Our Last Summer
by rockbandstar
Summary: A phone call brings three friends back to their summer homes and back into each other's lives. When tragedy strikes the group, lines will be drawn, boundaries crossed, and lives will be turned upside down. Is it really that easy to let go and move on? ExB
1. Home

**Our Last Summer (The Way I Loved You)**

**Summary: A phone call brings three friends (Edward, Bella, and Alice) back to their summer homes and back into each other's lives. When tragedy strikes the group, lines will be drawn, boundaries crossed, and lives will be turned upside down. Is it really that easy to let go of your friends, or your first love, when every memory you cherish contains them? Warning one of the three main characters WILL die.**

--

**Chapter 1-Home**

There is something to be said about coming home. The complete and utter feeling of comfort and warmth you get from it can't be matched. Just Google the word and you can find millions of hits, quotes littered with symbolism and descriptions of grandiose gestures of peoples love; of what it truly means to that person.

What was it my grandmother had always said? _Home is where the heart is?_

There were few places or people that I ever felt truly at home with, so few I could count them on one hand. These were my constants, my definition of home. It was a concept I had never really struggled with.

I had always known that I could count on my Uncle Carlisle and his wife Esme as if they were my parents. After all they had raised me. I will never forget the look on Carlisle's face when he came to pick me up at the hospital that day. So haunted by the crash that had claimed my parents, he swept me into his arms and clung to me tightly. He and Esme loved me and raised me as their own, helping to guide me and care for me when I needed them most.

Their daughter Alice had become a huge part of my life as well. While there were only a few years between us, her tiny frame and small stature made her appear much younger than she actually was. Her youthfulness was charming and delightful and also easy to mess with. No matter how much grief I gave her, how much I tormented her, she was always my little pixie. I had come to love her as an older brother loves a sister. I wouldn't have it any other way.

And then there was Bella. It was difficult to describe how the scrawny, combative girl that lived in the beach house next to ours came to have such an integral part in my life. We were just children when we met, so innocent and full of mischief. We had seen each other in passing summers before but never really spent the time getting to know each other. I was under the impression that all girls other than Alice were gross. She thought I was just some stupid, smelly boy she would see in passing. All that changed, though, when she became best friends with Alice. The two were inseparable and the more time I spent with her, with them, the more it just fit. We worked together, the three of us, as a team.

Every summer Alice and I would board the ferry, our faces pale white from the winters trapped indoors. We would pace the deck, snooping around; checking out the other locals on board and hearing the latest gossip. The closer we would get, the more restless we would become. By the time the boat pulled up to the dock Alice was usually waiting by the exit, rocking on her heels. Together we would scan the crowd for our friend, leaving our bags behind as we ran along the sandy beach.

It would take us awhile to spot her, amongst the people mulling about; but we always found her.

Our days were filled with activities; hunting for sea shells, wave surfing, building sandcastles, searching for buried treasure. We were never without something to do, some mischief or havoc to cause, some activity to keep us entertained. At night we would sit by the beach making smores by a fire. The adults would tell us scary stories or talk about their youth. Sometimes we would listen; sometimes we would leave the adults and fire behind combing the beach for starfish, sand dollars, and triton's shells.

It was never really spoken between us, but we all knew what we were really looking for. Carlisle had told us stories on more than one occasion about a rare shell that could be found on our beach. The pink and black swirled shaped shell was said to bring about good luck and good fortune to those who possessed it. Every summer we searched, hoping to be lucky enough. Every summer our collection of shells grew, but none of us ever found the special shell. We never stopped looking.

The summer would pass quickly and end abruptly in tears. Our faces matted with salt, gripping each other tightly, we would whisper promises of contact throughout the year knowing that life would get in the way. Alice and I would board the ferry looking back at the little girl, arms tightly wrapped around her body; holding herself together on the dock. We would wave and cry our sandy hands rubbing our tanned cheeks as the boat pulled away; wistfully thinking of the promise of the next summer.

--

That had been then; things were so much different now. I worked in Chicago as a general surgeon, spending my time at the hospital helping to heal and save lives. Alice lived in Los Angeles and was currently working on a clothing line for her new company, Mary Alice. She was already the talk of the town and Carlisle and Esme were so proud of her. Bella was currently residing in Seattle with two books under her belt and a third on the way. She had been labeled the author to know; her writing was truly spectacular.

While each of us lived fairly successful lives they had taken us all on different paths and in different directions. It had been a few years since we had all gotten together, taking the winding ferry to our childhood beach homes. It was something I had struggled with, losing my childhood ideal of what home really was; losing the bond we shared a bit more each year.

While Alice and I saw each other, our contact was limited. Work was busy for both of us and that meant little time to fly across the country and hang out. We would see each other on holidays and at family events and I would get brief glimpses of how we used to be; it wasn't the same. My contact with Bella had been even less, limited to phone calls and emails, it felt impersonal and I wondered if I would even recognize the woman she had become if I saw her.

I didn't have to wait long to find out.

I knew the minute I had gotten the call that something was wrong, _something had changed._

Alice sounded desperate, beseeching, as she begged me to leave work behind and meet her and Bella at our old summer homes. I was hesitant to leave, to lose the niche I had carved out for myself at the hospital. Alice was nothing if not persistent and she wouldn't take no for an answer. I think if I would have listened more carefully, been more in tune with her, I would have realized then how important it truly was.

Getting the time off work was easier than I thought it would be. There was a fresh new round of residents eager to dig in and learn the intricacies of surgery. I was nervous about leaving my dedicated patients behind, especially in such newly trained hands, but I knew the other doctors would have my back. For the first time in quite awhile I had the summer free; no obligations, no schooling, no work.

I _should_ have felt relaxed.

I didn't.

My mind played over the last time I had been to the beach, the images tugging at my mind and heartstrings.

There was a _reason_ the past was _left_ in the past.

Each image flickered in my mind and set my heart on fire. I was fine with forgetting, fine with pretending that last summer hadn't happened; fine with living in denial.

"_I can't pretend there isn't something."_

I flicked the screen of my ipod touch, changing the song and distracting myself for a moment. The flight attendant walked past me, her eyes lingering on me. Her attention was pointless really; if she only knew how ruined I really was.

I closed my eyes listening to the steady pounding of the drums and the subtle harmony of the violin. It was surprisingly distracting and I found myself getting lost in the rhythm of the music. It was a nice change of pace to lose myself in something other than work.

--

I stood on the dock, bag slung over my shoulder, as I waited for the stupid boat to arrive. The crowd seemed to be filled with families, excited children running up and down the aisles of dock. It seemed so familiar and yet at the same time completely foreign.

Had I ever really been that young? That innocent? That full of exuberance?

I knew there was a time that I had. I had been just like those kids full of energy and life, barely able to stand waiting for the boat let alone the ride over. That was before I grew up, before things changed, before I knew.

I boarded the boat, a creature of habit as I made my way towards the lookout railing. Dropping my bag next to me I looked out over the vast expanse of blue-green water. I breathed in the salty air, letting it fill my lungs and settle there.

It reminded me of my childhood, of family, happiness, and of love.

"_I can't pretend there isn't something," she whispered her voice anguished as she looked up at him, eyes filled with tears._

"_I know," he had responded brushing her tangled hair away from her face. "I know."_

_He leaned down then, lips pressing first against each of her cheeks before meeting her lips. A spark shot through his body, setting his soul on fire and his hands reached up tangling in her hair; pulling her closer. She let out a soft moan, her breath cascading over his face. He opened his mouth, meeting hers more firmly. Their tongues touched, tangled, mingled together._

_She had tears running down her cheeks, streaking the pink that stained them. After a moment he pulled away, his breathing heavy and his eyes lidded._

"_We leave tomorrow."_

_She simply nodded, turning away from him, her eyes scanning the soft waves that were crashing on the shore._

"_It's better this way."_

_Her shoulders sagged, a small sigh escaping her lips, her eyes still focused on the coast. She nodded. He moved closer, ready to pull her into his arms, to comfort her in some way. Before he could she made her way down the steps of the porch, eyes never looking back. She angled her face away from him and towards the moon above them as she made her way down the beach; the last image of her before he left. _

_Had he always loved her?_

I stepped off the ferry bypassing the scant booth advertising the wonders of La Push Beach and scanned the crowd for the familiar faces, seeing a blur of people. I wondered if I would have to search for them along the expanse of beach like we had used to do as children. The thought seemed daunting.

A part of me hoped to see some semblance of the kids they once were; that I once was. The trip was getting into my head, messing with my thoughts, my heart. I found them moments later, the crowd parting around the two standing figures.

They stood side by side, hands entwined, a fierce determination present upon both of their faces. I scanned each of them, feeling the gravity of the situation. _Something had definitely changed._

I dropped my duffle bag and bound the final few steps wrapping my arms around each of them and pulling them to me tightly. The feeling of comfort, of home, spread through me and I realized how much I had truly missed them, missed this. It took me a moment to notice that neither had moved; neither was responding to the hug. I pulled back, my eyes questioning, as I looked between the two of them.

Taking a deep breath, Alice ran her hand through her spiky black hair, her eyes looking worn and tired.

"I think we need to talk," she spoke her voice breaking slightly.

I never could have imagined how it would all end.

**Well there it is... the first chapter! I am getting pretty excited about this story and I can seriously see myself falling in love with it! I'm not quite sure what my updating schedule will be yet, so I guess we will play it by ear.**

**N**


	2. Interruptions

**Chapter 2- Interruptions**

**As always a huge thank you goes out to my super amazing beta-extraordinaire Pixielovestoshop! **

It was a rather quiet morning and I made my way down to the beach, hoping to have some time alone to think. In the past twenty four hours so much had happened, had changed, that my head spun with the possibilities. This was supposed to be a relaxing trip, a chance to catch up with friends and get away from work.

By no means was it going to be relaxing.

I found a nice dry spot and plopped down in the sand, burrowing my feet beneath the layers. I hadn't slept, hadn't showered, and hadn't even unpacked. The stubble on my face itched and I ran my hand across it gruffly, feeling it scrape my palm. I had gotten off the boat prepared to leave the past in the past and move on with my life. Now I didn't know if that was even possible.

I watched the sun slowly rise over the coast, the play of colors highlighting the edges of the beach. No matter how old I got, this place would always be beautiful. It would also hold too many memories.

I felt her approaching before I saw her. She sat next to me her fists digging into the sand and letting the particles slowly drift between her fingers; she never could keep her hands still for long. I sneaked a sideways glance at her, loving the way the sunrise lit up her face.

"You okay?"

"Fine," my voice was scratchy, hoarse. It gave away more than I wanted it to.

"You can tell me the truth, Edward. It's just me." Her voice was quiet, so quiet it was almost a whisper. I could feel her eyes on me, scanning my face for a reaction. I ignored the comment, choosing to stare out at the water.

"It's different this time," I replied after a moment, my face finally turning and looking at hers "isn't it?"

"We wouldn't be here if it wasn't."

I could feel the tears stinging my eyes as I nodded my head. The sand felt gristly between my toes and I suddenly wanted to get up, run far away.

"Maybe it's better this way."

I turned to look at her, unable to hide my reaction to her comment. She studied my face for a moment her eyes distant and sad.

"Don't ever say that," my voice broke and I felt weak, "ever."

She looked into my eyes then and I could see the sadness there. She was trying to be strong, it wasn't working. "Maybe not better," she replied, "but definitely easier."

"Who is it easier for Bella?" I questioned, pulling my feet out of the sand and turning to face her completely. "It's a lose-lose situation. We _all_ get hurt."

She ignored my comment, choosing to shape the sand I had upturned into a tiny little hill. It may have occupied her hands, but I knew her well enough to know that she was thinking my comment over.

"This is our last summer, just the three of us."

I could feel the tears stinging my eyes at her words, my face burned and I had the urge to flee again.

"Then we better make it a good one," I replied.

She moved to stand up knocking over the hill with her foot. She stood beside me looking out over the water, not moving and not speaking. Her hand reached out touching my tousled hair. She gently ran her fingers through the strands, knowing it would calm me.

"I should get back, maybe make some breakfast. It should be ready in ten minutes or so. Alice is already at my place so come on over and eat and then go home, get some sleep." She turned to walk away, stopping a few feet away from me. "I know you Edward and I know you didn't sleep last night. You were most likely up stressing and fretting over something you have no control over. No matter what happens, everything will be alright."

I watched her walk along the beach and back towards our two houses, her eyes downward scanning for seashells.

Some things hadn't changed.

--

I wasn't sure how long I was asleep for, but it must have been awhile. I could feel the thick cottony feeling in my eyes of having been asleep for too long. For a moment I wondered what woke me up, but then my bed moved again.

"Alice," I mumbled throwing my arm out in her direction and pulling her down next to me. She curled up at my side, head tilted back so she could look at me.

"You're _finally _up." She was grinning from ear to ear; the effect of too much coffee I was assuming.

"And you have way too much energy."

She snorted and smacked me lightly on the shoulder, rolling her eyes dramatically. "Bella and I are going to start a bonfire. You should get your lazy ass out of bed and come with us. We are going to be having smores!"

I looked down at her and couldn't help but be reminded of the last time we were here, the last bonfire we went to. She seemed to realize something was distracting me, because her brow furrowed in concentration.

I shook my head, clearing it of the errant thoughts before looking down at her and smiling. "I can never pass up smores." I rolled out of bed and walked across the room, looking at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. "I may need to shower and shave first."

"Of course you do, mountain man." She threw a pair of khaki shorts and a shirt at me, her face angelic as she drummed her fingers on my bed. "After all you stink."

The water felt relaxing and seemed to ease my frayed nerves. I could hear the music blaring out of the speakers at the back out the house and couldn't help but smile. We had all grown up and things had definitely changed, but some things had stayed the same. Things didn't need to be weird, or awkward, we could be the way we were.

--

I had always been impressed with Alice and Bella's ability to start a fire. After years of practice they could do it just as well as any of the other local boys; I think it was something they were proud of. I stood on the deck watching the two of them pile the branches and driftwood in the pit trying to create the perfect shape. When they were satisfied, they lit the wood.

I watched the blue and orange flames flicker and lick at the wood, soothed by the sight. I had never really realized how much I missed some of the simple pleasures of my youth. I used to love bonfires, the smell and the warmth they provided.

I let the two girls chat for awhile and found myself content sitting on the deck chair watching them talk. Both were so animated, so unaffected by the news that had rocked my world. I looked at the two of them, analyzing their movements. Nothing seemed different and for a moment it seemed like no time had passed since we had last been here.

It was dangerous to hope, to even think.

I moved down the stairs my feet squishing into the cool sand. I dragged my feet along, letting them kick up the sand, as I made my way towards the water and away from the fire. I walked along the edge letting the cold waves splash over my feet.

I let my eyes scan over the sand, needing something to occupy my thoughts and time. I picked up a few shells, nothing spectacular, and stuck them in my pocket. At least, that way, if Bella or Alice asked I would have an excuse for disappearing.

When I sufficiently felt like I had avoided them long enough, I turned around heading back. They sat on a bench, huddled together, their sticks holding marshmallows that were currently browning in the flames.

"There you are," Alice called as I came into view.

I waved and shrugged my shoulders; pulling the shells out of my pocket I set them in Alice's lap. She looked up at me beaming as she dug through the small pile holding some up to the firelight so she could see them better.

I grabbed a stick and a marshmallow and made my way around the fire, sitting on the opposite side of them. The bench was warm from the fire and the rolling heat felt wonderful across my face. Setting my supplies down, I closed my eyes letting myself just feel the heat from the fire.

"We're not going to talk about it are we?" She had moved so quietly that when she spoke I was startled. I opened my eyes looking at the empty bench in front of me. Turning my head I looked at Bella and sighed softly, my eyes scanning the area for Alice. "She had to go to the restroom, so she ran inside."

"I'm sorry." She seemed to know what I was apologizing for because she shook her head, nose wrinkling.

"Don't be, I'm not." Her face moved closer and I watched the way the light from the flames flickered across her face. She looked magical, beautiful, and it took my breath away. I could see the flickering flames reflecting in her eyes and I wanted to lean in, to look closer. I pulled back instead.

"I was an ass."

"You were scared of what it meant."

I couldn't deny it, couldn't lie to her or myself. "I knew what it meant; I just didn't want to admit it. I was scared of how it made me _feel_."

Her hands reached out, gently cupping my face. I couldn't take my eyes from her, couldn't force myself to look away, to move. I wanted to taste her again, wanted to lean in and press my lips to hers and wipe the small smile off of her face. The thought had consumed me from the moment I boarded the plane and I could no longer deny it.

She seemed to be thinking similarly, because her tongue peeked out, wetting her bottom lip. I leaned in closer watching the flames dance in her eyes.

"Bella…" I whispered her name softly.

"Hey you guys," Alice yelled "you have to come see this."

I turned away from Bella, sighing as I looked down the beach. She stood a short ways off, her eyes cast downward on something in the sand. I turned to look back at Bella who looked nothing short of annoyed and smiled reassuringly. Leaning in I placed a small kiss on her forehead.

"We will finish this conversation later."

She nodded before standing up and loping the short distance to Alice. I could hear them talking and I watched them for a moment, trying to clear my muddled thoughts.

Bella's squeal alerted me that I was still sitting and I made my way over to them, forcing a smile on my face. "What do we _have_ to see?" I could hear the sarcasm in my voice as I stood next to them looking at some sort of blob in the sand.

"It's laying eggs."

I looked down, realizing that the blob was actually a turtle and watched it drop an egg into a hole in the sand. Now I understood why Alice had called us over.

"It's beautiful," Bella stated. Her voice was full of wonder and awe. I found myself watching her instead of the turtle, smiling at the expression on her face.

"See," Alice stated a smugly, "I knew this was something you would want to see." I turned to look at her, noticing her watching me carefully, a huge smile on her face. Grabbing her, I pulled her into a hug placing a kiss on her head.

"Very cool Alice, very cool."

**I'm so excited you guys love this story as much as I am! Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or to your favorites! **

**I sent out a sneak peak of this chapter to those of you who reviewed, do you still like that concept? (i.e. should I continue doing so?!)**

**N**


	3. Trust

**Chapter 3- Trust**

As a child, it was so easy to tell someone that you loved them because it didn't have the connotations it did once you became an adult. It was sweet and simple; not complicated by the trappings of society or expectations. I had uttered those words on countless occasions, sometimes earnestly and other times to get something that I wanted.

I remember the first time I told Bella I loved her, I was nine and she was six. Alice had been sick with the flu and was unable to leave the house. We had originally planned on searching the caves down by the waterside, but with Alice ill we chose to put it off until another day. Bella and I sat together on our porch, each licking our dripping ice cream cones.

It happened in slow motion really, the way her scoop just toppled off of her cone. I could see the shock in her eyes, followed by the anger at her clumsiness. She looked down at her empty cone, lip protruding, and tears pooling in her eyes. Sighing, she set the empty cone down, wiped her face to make sure there were no tears, and then turned to look at me. There was a determination on her face that she would not let the moment ruin her day and I admired her for it.

It's hard to say if I knew then how beautiful she was, or even how much she would come to mean to me. But something urged me to act. I looked at her empty hands, before looking down at the large cone in mine. I had two scoops, I could share, but it wasn't something I would normally do. Reaching around her I picked up her empty cone and pushed the top scoop onto it. I held it out to her, watching her cheeks blush and a smile light her face.

"You don't have to do that, Edward."

"I know." I replied softly "I want to." And I did.

Her tongue snaked out and tasted the creamy substance before a huge smile fluttered across her face. "I love you," she had whispered to me.

I had looked up into her eyes, surprised for a moment. After a moment, I nudged her with my shoulder causing her to smile and me to chuckle. "I love you too." I had replied, meaning every word of it.

--

The morning came quicker than I would have liked. Getting out of bed, I took a quick look in the mirror, not surprised by the dark bags beneath my eyes. I figured sunglasses would be my best bet in hiding them. Slipping them on, I ran my hands through my mussed hair tugging on the ends. I had left Alice and Bella the night before, hoping upon all hope that I would easily fall back into the restful sleep Alice had awoken me from. Sleep didn't come and I sat up most of the night thinking about how Bella had looked sitting in front of the bonfire, the flames flickering across her face.

While the image was beautiful, it did little to assuage my concerns about our ever changing relationship. I was almost relieved that Alice had intruded on the moment and stopped me from doing something I might regret; something Bella might regret. I pictured the way she walked along that beach all those nights ago, her face turned towards the stars. I could still imagine the way she had tasted on my lips and tongue and the way her body had bended into mine.

I needed to think and tread very carefully.

I stumbled down the stairs finding Alice on the couch, a sketchbook in hand. I didn't want to disturb her if she was working, so I made my way into the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee from the pot. I sat at the counter, sipping the hot drink and thought about calling Carlisle and Esme. I knew, however, that if I did, that inevitably I would talk about the reason we were here; something I had promised I wouldn't disclose.

I needed to get away from my thoughts, away from the images my mind continued to conjure and torture me with. The images were too hauntingly beautiful and had the potential to devastate me to my core. I tapped my fingers nervously on the counter, my leg twitching with excess energy.

"Are you nervous about something?"

I turned around and looked at Alice noting that she looked just as tired as I did. Sighing I set my coffee cup on the counter and motioned for her to sit down. After quirking her eyebrow at me, she did so.

"This is the point where we talk about it, isn't it?" She looked down, avoiding my gaze and she suddenly looked as nervous as I felt. I had honestly just wanted a distraction from the overwhelming thoughts that were jumbled in my mind. Now that she mentioned it, though, her words from a few days prior bounced in my head and heart. We would have to talk about it.

"Why did you guys keep it from me for so long?"

"Honestly," Alice sighed softly before biting on her lower lip for a moment. It was a habit she had picked up from Bella several years earlier. "That isn't a question I can really answer."

"It wasn't your decision."

She shook her head, her eyes glassing over. I knew that if she started to cry that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from doing so. I pushed my glasses up onto my head, ignoring the stern look over the exhaustion present and leaned over placing a peck on her forehead.

"You don't always have to be strong for everyone you know," her words were quiet, but she knew I heard them. "I fully expected a huge tantrum complete with tears when you found out."

"That's not really my style."

Alice snorted before brushing a stray clump of black hair behind her ear. "It may not be your style, but it's still what I expected. You can play naïve as long as you like but you can't deny the implications."

"Bella said it was different this time."

"It is," her eyes glossed again and I found my body tensing in reaction. "I'm glad you two talked about it, at least a little bit."

I nodded my head, unsure of how to respond or what she wanted me to say. She seemed to understand because she reached out, grabbing my hand and squeezing it.

"How about we have a nice relaxing day on the beach?"

I thought of lying out in the sun with my two girls and of swimming in the warm ocean water. While the thought sounded lovely I couldn't help the nagging feeling in the pit of my gut. If this was truly our last summer together is that what I wanted to spend my time doing? There was still so much to talk about, so much that I obviously didn't know. Was I really going to be able to relax?

"Sounds great, Alice." She smiled at me then, not noticing my internal turmoil as she hopped off the stool. I watched her make her way out of the room and down the hall, her footsteps echoing.

--

The beach was quiet, almost uneventful, as we lay out our towels. The water lapped softly at the shore and the sound reminded me of a better time, when life was simpler. I pushed my sunglasses on as I lay against the large plush towel. I felt movement next to me and ignored the butterflies that had taken up residence in my stomach.

"Come into the water with me?"

I looked over at Bella, trying not to laugh at the small pout on her face. I knew that if I told her no she would stay out of the water; she was amazingly afraid of sharks. I pulled my sunglasses off, squinting at her through the brightness. I could just make out the bright blue two-piece she was wearing.

"Alright," I sighed pushing myself off the towel and making my way towards the water. I could hear the pad of her feet as she followed me and I tried to focus on the water. I could feel her eyes following me as I waded my way into the water, her just behind me. I moved slowly, so she could keep up, and stopped once the water met my waist.

Her hand reached out, trembling, and I knew what she wanted. Turning around I lifted her up wading deeper into the water, her breath coming out in terrified pants.

"Why do you do it if it scares you so much?" I whispered, stopping once the water reached my shoulders. Her hands tangled around my neck and she refused to put her feet down. It reminded of how stubborn she had always been; so willing to pretend she wasn't afraid even if she was shaking from fear.

"Because," she bowed her head avoiding my eyes, "everything in life worth doing has risks. If you don't take the risk then you don't really live do you?"

I found myself scanning the shore for Alice. She lay on her towel, eyes closed, soaking in the rays of sun. I tightened my grip on Bella, pulling her closer to me, and causing her to squeal.

"I won't drop you."

"I know," her eyes finally met mine and I found myself lost in them. "I trust you."

Her words reverberated in my head and I found my walls slowly crumbling. I wanted to kiss her, to pull her to me tightly and never let her go, to make her mine; _finally_ mine. Tears stung at my eyes and she buried my head in her neck.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I spoke softly not sure if she could even understand me.

"What was I going to say?" Her voice broke and my arms instinctively tightened around her, protecting her.

Tears rolled softly down her face and landed in my hair, I didn't care, I was sure that my tears were rolling down her neck. I found myself clinging to her as wave after wave crashed into us. I didn't want to move, to break whatever was happening between us. I dug my heels into the sand, keeping my footing steady, and placed my back to the waves letting the water pound me.

I could feel each of Bella's fingers digging into my back, holding onto me tightly, afraid to be swept away. Her legs wrapped around me, locking herself to me, and I found myself pulling her closer. I should have been concerned with the waves, the way the water was bashing against us, but all I could focus on was her.

There was no fear on her face, no turmoil in her eyes, the only sign of anything wrong was the steady stinging from the scrapes her fingers had left along my back.

"Bella," I started unable to find my voice and unable to say what I had longed to for so long.

"I know."

And then I was kissing her, showing her what I was unable to tell her.

I could feel my feet moving us away from the turbulent water, each step bringing us closer to shore as I continued to kiss her. The sparks were still there, shooting through my body, and I pulled her closer relishing the feeling of our bare stomachs touching.

She moaned my name softly before biting my bottom lip, causing the kiss to become desperate and needier. Our mouths opened, tongues met and wrestled for dominance. My hands left her back and tangled in her hair, pulling her mouth even closer. Her fingernails raked my shoulders, my arms, and then my back causing me to moan.

I can feel myself losing control, grasping her ever tighter, as my feet begin to move once again. I can feel the dry sand beneath my feet as my mouth pulls away from hers, gasping for air. I can see Alice standing in the distance, a look of shock on her face, and I know that in time we will have to deal with her. For now I don't care.

My lips meet hers once, twice, before deepening the kiss once more. I realize that the ocean water and our tears have made her lips taste different, salty. It doesn't matter. I loosen my hold on her and feel her body slide down mine as her feet touch the sand. Bella tangles her hands in my hair for a moment, her tongue snaking out along my lips before she tugs on the ends. I groan at the sensation and feel her pull away, smirking.

"Thanks for the swim, Edward."

She moves away from me, trekking the short path back to her towel. I instantly miss her, my body instantly misses her, and I wonder what I have started. I see Alice looking at her, eyebrow raised in question, as she plops down. Bella just blushes before pushing her sunglasses on and lying back on the towel, letting the rays of sun dry her off.

I can't explain it, but I feel the need to justify myself to Alice as if to prove I am good enough. Instead, I make my way back towards our house letting the water run down me and pool at my feet. By the time I make it back I know I have to shower; my feet and legs are covered in granules of sand and I can feel them scraping at my skin and chafing between my toes.

**Hopefully things are becoming clearer, at least bit by bit. Thanks to all of you who reviewed (I love to read what you think), added to your alerts, or to your favorites. You guys are amazing!**

**N**


	4. Changes

**Chapter 4- Changes**

~Alice~

Things are changing, always changing.

This realization always brings about a bitter sadness in me, no matter how hard I try to fight it. It's not that I don't want things to change, because sometimes change is good, but sometimes changes really do change everything. A moment changes everything.

I can feel an inner turmoil raging in me, sloshing against my restraint, and I fight to hold it back. A single moment, a single kiss, turns my world upside down. It's not that I am jealous, far from it actually, but that I am merely worried. I see the way they look at one another, the way their eyes follow each other's every move and it terrifies me.

Things are changing and we are suddenly in unfamiliar territory.

I've always known there was something there, something lurking on the edges of our friendship. For so long there has been so much unspoken, so much secrecy, and my emotional dam feels like it is going to break.

It's been so hard to ignore something that is blatantly in front of me, but I tried.

I throw the towels in the laundry room, not caring about the sand on the floor, and make my way through the kitchen into the living room where I know he will be. The house is deadly silent, as if it expects what is about to happen.

My hands shake and his eyes focus on them, his brow knitting in concern.

"I know."

Edward looks up at me, eyes full of confusion, as he studies my face. It takes him a moment to process my words, but I know that he understands just as I know that he will continue to let me talk. I move farther into the room, setting down on the couch across from him. There is conflict on his face and an emotion I can't quite read. Although I am nervous, I force myself to continue.

"I think I have always known that you love her."

It's all I really need to say and I am a bit surprised to see the tears begin to fall down his cheeks. It is the reaction I have been waiting for and now that I have received it, I don't want it. It takes him a moment to walk around the coffee table, but then he is next to me. There is no hesitation between us as we reach for each other, trying to bring some form of comfort.

We don't speak for quite awhile, content with the silence of the house. I let my mind wander and wonder what Bella is doing while we are here. I think about my parents and the phone call I will eventually have to make. As if he knows what I am thinking, Edward pulls me to him tighter.

No matter what we will be alright. We have to be.

It seems like hours later that he finally breaks the silence and his voice is gravelly. "Thank you for making me come along on this silly trip."

"I love you, both of you." It's a simple answer but one that makes him smile. His smile falters and I know what he is thinking about and what we will eventually have to discuss. I nod my head to acknowledge his concerns but I can't force myself to speak. The moment is emotional enough, there will be another time.

--

Bella and I decided to have a girl's night, so with some reluctance, I left Edward at home and took the small path between our two houses. The worn path isn't so worn anymore and the thought makes me sad. There had been a time when the weeds had been trampled from daily use, they now stood alert and brushed against my legs.

Before I can truly finish my thoughts I hear her voice. It sounds as if she is on the phone and although my curiosity has always gotten the better of me, I try not to eavesdrop. Try being the key word.

I can't help but hear bits and pieces of the conversation and I know the variations of her voice well enough to know that she is upset. Instead of interrupting I take a minute and sit on the stairs leading up to the door and let my mind wander.

For some reason, I think of our childhood.

There had been a time when all that seemed to be real to me was this place, these people. The beach, the waves, the sand, and my friends had been my life. While I was not naïve enough to think that it would always remain this way, the fact that we had all gone in such separate directions left me with a bitter sadness that I couldn't quell.

I needed Bella and Edward, needed them like I needed air. It may not have shown, or even been obvious, but the truth of the matter was that they were a part of me. A part I was desperately trying to cling to but was slowly losing bit by bit.

I felt like I was losing myself.

I heard the door open behind me and turned to see Bella at the door, a stern look on her face.

"Were you listening in on that conversation?"

I looked into her eyes, searching for the little girl she once was. "I was kind of lost in my thoughts; I didn't hear much of anything." Her anger seemed to turn to concern and she closed the screen door behind her before plopping down on the stair next to me.

I can't help but let the tears begin to fall and she lays my head against her shoulder. There are so many things we should talk about, so much I need to tell her before its too late, but instead we sit in a heavy silence.

Neither of us can break it.

--

When we were eight Bella and I decided to make cookies for Edward's birthday, _cookies from scratch_. We lined the ingredients along the counter and Bella took charge. While Esme was a great mother, I was used to the pre-packaged cookies that you simply plucked off the sheet and put in the oven. These were not so simple.

Bella had a bit more experience cooking since her mother had recently left her father. Charlie was great, but the man couldn't cook worth a damn, and that basically left Bella to the job… when they didn't eat at our place that was.

It didn't take us long to mix the batter and we stood as proud as peacocks staring down at the lumpy mixture. I leaned down sniffing the batter and smiling at the smell of the chocolate chips.

"We should definitely test it right?" I had asked looking at Bella mischievously as she pulled two spoons out of a drawer.

"Definitely."

We each dipped our spoon into the batter and tasted the super-sweet mixture, a secret smile on our faces. It felt like we had accomplished something, no matter how small, and that feeling only seemed to grow as the dough melted in our mouths.

"Tastes good," I mumbled licking the spoon and eyeing the bowl.

"MmmHmm," Bella had muttered her tongue lapping at the leftover dough on the back of her spoon.

I'm not sure how it all started, or even who started it, but before I really knew what was happening I was covered in cookie dough. Bella had chunks hanging from her hair and her clothes and I looked down at myself realizing I was in no better position.

The bowl, however, was empty.

I looked down at the tube of cookie dough as I thought about that day and the cleaning excursion that had followed. Not only had we gotten ourselves dirty but the entire kitchen as well. In a desperate attempt to have something for Edward's birthday we had ran down to the neighborhood store and bought some pre-packaged cookies.

Edward never knew the difference.

Bella seems to understand that something is on my mind as I continue to look at the tube, my spoon hovering over the top. After a moment, I dip my spoon in the substance and raise it to my lips. Its super sweet and it should satisfy my craving, it doesn't.

Instead of voicing this, I lay my spoon down with a soft sigh.

Her eyebrow rises in question and for the first time I realize how well she truly does know me. Just as I knew the moment I heard her voice on the phone, she knows that something is bothering me and that I need to talk.

I'm just not sure if I can get the words out.

--

We're half way through the movie when Edward comes in. He lasted longer than I thought he would, anyways. He has a sheepish grin on his face as if to say "I know I am not supposed to be here, but so what."

His eyes flicker for a moment to the television screen, brow wrinkling in distaste. He doesn't understand the allure of the movie or why Bella and I love it so much. I try to ignore the way his eyes bore into hers or the sudden tension that has filled the room.

I focus on the dialogue instead.

"This is it; life will never be better, or sweeter than this."

It's hard to focus, hard to pay attention to the screen and for a moment I contemplate leaving and giving them their privacy. For the first time in my life I feel like an outcast; the third wheel on a very small bike.

Things are changing, rapidly changing and suddenly I am terrified. I can feel the tears stinging at my eyes and I need fresh air.

"November is all I know, all I want to know."

There is movement in the room but I refuse to take my eyes off of the television, refuse to watch the scene play out in front of me, the one that will change everything. I can hear my breathing, rapid and fast and feel the tears fall down my face. I hope with all I can hope that they contribute it to the sadness of the movie.

I watch as he plops down on the couch next to her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her to him. She turns away from the movie to look at him, a blush and a smile upon her face. I am glad that they are happy, that they have finally found each other.

It doesn't quell the voice in my head that tells me softly that I am being left behind.

**Sorry this took so long to get out, this week has been crazy. I also had a new addition to my family! I now have a beautiful niece to spoil!**

**I wasn't sure whether I wanted to keep the story in just one perspective but in this case I think Alice really needed to be heard. Brownie points to those of you who can guess which movie I used?!**

**Thanks to all who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites… The questions you guys have been asking have been very well thought out. The next few chapters should help clear things up!**

**N**


	5. Exploring

**Chapter 5- Exploring**

**A/N- I know it has been forever, there has been a lot of stuff going on that has kept me from being able to update.. But I am back now and will hopefully be having updates more frequently (esp. after August ends)!**

It's easy to imagine that things are different. It's even easier to pretend that they are.

That is my problem.

I can hear the quiet nagging in the back of my head, softly pleading with me, begging me to accept the unacceptable. I can feel the weight of the body next to me in my bed, each shift and movement creating a rippling effect. For a moment I am concerned, because I clearly recall going to bed alone, but it only takes me a moment to realize who it is.

"Couldn't sleep?"

I can hear her quiet sniffles and feel the tremor of her body. Concerned I roll onto my back and look at her, surprised by what I see.

She is slowly falling apart.

It only takes me a moment to wrap my arms around her and pull her to me. She buries her head in my shoulder as her sobs become louder and I realize she is mourning. The realization seems to slam into me with so much force that, for a moment, it takes my breath away.

I try to use my words to comfort her, knowing that there is little I can do for her anguish.

"It's going to be alright."

"No," she whispers, "it's not."

Everything I have been suppressing seems to ambush me, my every thought and fears suddenly seem more real than ever.

"I'm dying."

--

I wake up the next morning. Alone.

For a moment I wonder and hope that my mind was playing tricks on me, that the steady ache in my chest is there for a different reason. I even try to convince myself it was all a dream. Unfortunately, I know better.

My eyes burn and it is then that I realize that I have tears steadily flowing down my face. The unexpected trip, the frantic phone call, the brief explanation; suddenly everything makes sense and for the first time I am seeing the trip clearly.

This is our goodbye; our last summer.

With as much effort as I can muster, I force myself to get out of bed. The day is cloudy, gloomy, and it fits my mood perfectly. I have a nervous energy buzzing through my muscles and I feel the need to get up and run, to get as far away from this spot and this moment as possible.

So I take to the beach and I run.

The beach is empty, most likely due to the poor weather, and this emptiness brings about an encompassing quiet. I can hear the gentle slosh of the waves, the soft squish of my feet sinking into the sand, and the steady hum of my heart. It was almost cathartic in a way.

I run until it hurts to breathe and then push myself and run some more. My muscles ache and scream in protest but, surprisingly, I relish the pain of the moment. At least I am feeling something other than the ache in my chest.

My legs feel like they are ready to give out on me, so regretfully I stop and flop down in the moist sand looking at the rock formations and caves. It has been a long time since I have traveled this far down the beach.

The unfamiliarity surprises me.

I am used to thinking of this place as my second home, so used to the small stretch of beach I see every day, that I forget how long it has been since I have been here. How long since I have explored. It has been years since I have visited and even longer since I have made my way past the familiar stretch of beach that I have come to know.

My breathing finally evens out and I have an urge to explore that I haven't felt in years. I almost feel like a kid again as I make my way through the rocks and into one of many caves.

--

I don't get back to the house until late. I'm surprised to find both Bell and Alice sitting on the porch, looks of concern on their faces. My face is flushed from the run back and my hair is plastered to my forehead, I can feel a heavy emptiness in my stomach reminding me I haven't eaten all day.

My thoughts of exploration and the thrill of my day are replaced by dread the moment I step onto the porch. It may have felt like I was able to outrun my problems but the moment my foot hit the wood I knew better.

My heart throbbed and pulsed for a moment, almost as if to taunt me for dismissing it throughout the day. I continued to ignore it.

"Where the hell have you been?"

I look up at Alice noting the anger on her face and the concern on Bella's. I can't help but think that they are overreacting but I know better than to tell them so. Instead I shrug my shoulders and look at them sheepishly.

"I went for a run."

"You went for a twelve hour run?" Alice questions me. I can feel and hear the skepticism in her voice as she looks me up and down, taking in my appearance and looking for tell-tale signs on lying. Alice is nothing if not easily readable. She seems to believe me because a moment later she is mumbling under her breath. "You had us worried."

I look to Bella for confirmation and find her face conflicted. She seems to look at me for a moment in understanding before nodding her head. I'm not sure if she is agreeing with Alice or if she is silently acknowledging something I have yet to understand.

"Have you eaten anything today?"

Bella's question startles me and I look at her for a moment, silently shaking my head that I had not. This seems to concern her and I see her make her way through the patio and into the kitchen. I can see her through the doors as she pulls out items to make me a sandwich.

I'm not sure if she is doing this to give Alice and me time alone or if she is doing it because she cares. Either way I am touched by the gesture.

My legs feel weak and I sit down in the chair Bella vacated, my eyes fixed on Alice who was still silently stewing in her chair.

"When I woke up this morning and you were gone," she spoke softly "I feared the worst."

I'm surprised that I can actually hear the fear in her voice and I know that I need to acknowledge what she is saying. I am just not sure how to do it. She seems to understand because she doesn't push me to speak. I let the silence settle around us before fully turning to look at her.

"I'm not going anywhere."

I let the words sink in before continuing.

"I'm home. Here, with you and Bella, this is home for me."

The words seem to calm her addled nerves and she sighs in relief. We sit in silence until Bella returns, a plate of food in her hands. It's quiet as I eat the food and for the first time in my life I wonder what happened while I was gone.

Things seemed strained; different.

--

I woke the next morning with my muscles aching and buzzing. I'm surprised that I have the urge to explore and find myself putting on my running shoes. I make my way down the stairs, stopping in the kitchen to grab an apple. I'm surprised to find a small brown bag sitting on the counter, a small note attached.

_E-_

_Thought you might need this. Don't stay out all day, please._

_B_

I peek at the contents of the bag; a few small bottles of water, a few granola bars, and an apple. I am touched by the gesture and a bit surprised at how well Bella still knows me after all these years. Grabbing the bag I make my way to the beach. The sand squishes beneath my feet and I stand for a moment, watching the colors change as the sun rises.

This time I run in the opposite direction.

There is a cool breeze coming off the water and it feels refreshing against my overheated skin. I'm able to let go of my thoughts and instead listen to the surge of waves as they crash against the shore. The water is rough and it would be a good day to go surfing. The thought distracts me and I stop to look out at the empty water.

For some reason, the spot seems perfect, and I find myself sitting watching the waves crash and swell against the sand. They almost match the waves of turmoil I feel crashing inside of me. I know, without any doubt, that my avoidance will have to stop at some point and that I will have to actually deal with what I have learned. I'm afraid of what I will find when that happens and afraid of how it will affect me.

The three of us is all I have ever known.

I wonder what will happen when, suddenly, it is just two of us left to face the world. The thought makes me feel weak and unbelievably sad. It also, inevitably, makes me think of my parents.

While I was still young when they were taken from me, I can still feel the palpable loss each and every day. Often I wonder how my life would have been different if they had survived their accident. Would I have been as close to Alice as I am now? Would I have ever even met Bella? Would I have turned into the same man that I am today?

Would this be the same?

Or would it be worse?

This time I knew the pain that was coming.

Frustrated I dig the toes of my shoes into the sand, watching the small grains part. I can feel the tears stinging my eyes and I look around realizing that, surprisingly, I am still alone. I kick at the pile of sand and am surprised when I feel something harder than the grains I have been kicking.

I move my foot to the side, but all I see is sand. Curiosity gets the best of me and I use my fingers to sift and brush through the pile of sand I have created. It only takes a moment for my fingers to curl around the object and pull it out of the sand. I brush off the grains, holding the object firmly in my hands.

The smooth surface of a shell shimmers in my fingers, the sun reflecting the swirls of black and pink.

I can't help but laugh.

--

The run back takes less time and the steady thumping of my heart only seems to spur me on. I stayed out a short time compared to the day before, but I still feel like I have accomplished something. The weight of the shell in my pocket only seems to enhance the feeling.

The porch is empty and the house is quiet. I search the beach, but seeing it empty I take the small trail between the houses. I'm surprised to find Bella's house empty and quiet and a steady panic seems to build up in my chest.

I can only seem to think of the worst.

I run the short distance between the two houses and storm up the stairs to my bedroom. I need to find my cell phone and my lack of organization only seems to hinder my search. For a moment I look around in panic before I tear the room apart. I'm only adding to the mess that was already present but it seems to make searching even harder.

I find it under a shirt, part way under my bed. I'm confused for a moment at the location but the thought quickly leaves me as the panic continues to consume me. I open the phone, hoping to see a little envelope symbol telling me I had a message. Instead I see a picture of the three of us as children, covered in sand on the beach.

I find myself shoving my hand in my pocket, my fingers curling around the shell. I press the number two button, my speed dial for Alice, and find myself holding my breath.

Each ring of the phone only seems to increase my fear.

**Thanks to all who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites… The questions you guys have been asking have been very well thought out. The next few chapters should help clear things up!**

**N**


	6. Yours

**Chapter 6- Yours**

"_Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives."  
__Frederick F. Flack_

_--_

The ferry ride takes an hour.

It is the longest hour of my life.

It's easy to say that I wish things were different. The cab driver races through the streets, promising the fastest and quickest route. I'm not sure if it is because of the look on my face or the brusqueness of my speech but the ride is silent.

The silence is deafening.

I can feel the weight of the shell in my pocket and the steady thrum of my heart. I wonder how I could have missed the airlift helicopter, how I could have missed the steady chopping of the blades overhead. Granted I was far enough down the beach, I still should have seen _something. _All this does little to assuage the fact that I am angry with myself.

I am angry that I left my phone in my room, that she had to find her alone, and that I wasn't in that helicopter with them. I should have checked on her in the morning, should have made sure that she was alright before I took off for the day.

She would have checked on me.

The guilt is overwhelming.

-

As the cab bustles through the city and towards the hospital my mind flickers and it's almost as if I can't control the panic that is overtaking it. I think of the car accident I was in as a child. The look on my mother and father's faces as the car spun and swerved. It is the last memory I have of them, then only blackness.

I can't help but go back to this moment which changed the course of my life. In that moment I lost the two most important people in my world and my innocence. It took a long time for me to be able to trust let alone love again. I was so scared to get left behind that for the longest time I wasn't really living life.

It was hard to accept that in losing something so vital, I had also gained a whole new world with new people and friends who loved me. One of which I was currently terrified of losing, another terrified of hurting.

The cab hurdles through a red light and I find myself gripping my cell phone. It only takes a moment for me to decide what to do and before I can even contemplate the effects it will have I press the number one button and listen to the steady ringing.

He picks up as he always does.

"I need you."

-

I stand in front of the hospital door and look up at the large sign overhead. The size of the place alone is intimidating but once you add in all the other factors the truth is, I am downright terrified. I am filled with memories of all the hospitals I have seen in my life; both for myself and others. It's a thought process that I can't seem to stop and it annoys me immensely.

A long time ago, Alice and Bella had teased me about my strength by comparing me to the older kids that we had sometimes seen diving off the pier. Believing I was stronger and better than they thought I was, I took it upon myself to jump off the end of the pier. I ended up with a broken arm, stitches, and a concussion. They ended up being grounded for a week.

It had felt like justice at the time.

I make my way through the halls and corridors, following Alice's instructions as best as I can. Hospitals are confusing, maze like places, but I have been here before and know a bit about the layout so it makes the trek easier.

It doesn't take me long to find the room but I am unprepared for what I find inside.

She is laying the bed and there are tubes, lots of tubes. Alice sits in the corner, the tears steadily flowing down her face as she stares at her best friend. I can feel my legs shaking, my knees almost give out but I grip the door ledge and hold on for dear life.

"What happened?" I ask the moment I can find my voice, although the voice doesn't sound anything like my own.

"I don't know," her voice is weak, emotional, and I almost don't hear her response. She tears her eyes away from Bella to look at me. She looks haunted. "They have been running some tests."

I'm afraid to move away from the doorway and into the room because it will make everything more real. I'm also afraid that my legs will not make it the short distance I need to move. Alice seems to sense something is wrong because she comes to me and wraps her arms around me; holds me.

I feel weak, like I should be the one comforting her.

"I found her on the floor," I close my eyes tightly hoping they will block out the images as she continues to talk, "She was just crumpled up like a used rag." The images flash behind my eyelids and I force them open. I'm not ready to deal with this. Not ready to let go of something I have just found.

"Alice," it is all I need to say and I know she understands. There will be time later for her to explain to me; right now it is all too much. With her arm around me, she leads me next to Bella's bed and I sit in the chair she was previously occupying.

"Tell me this is all a dream," I murmur softly to myself.

"It's not."

Her words are enough and I need no more confirmation. I can feel the tears running down my face and splattering on my dirty t-shirt. Alice stands behind me, hands on my shoulders in a sign of solidarity of support.

"I called dad."

"I hoped you would."

-

It only took Carlisle two hours to get to us, with Esme close behind. He took one look at the shattered state Alice and I were in, hugged each of us whispering words of comfort and promise, before jumping into her case. I knew I had made the right decision in calling him.

I knew he wouldn't let me down.

I found myself softly fingering the small shell in my pocket, praying silently to whoever or whatever was out there that she would wake up soon. The action was soothing, numbing, and while it did little to relieve me of the tension and stress it gave me _something_ to do.

-

It only takes a day for her to wake up; something the doctors seem to think is a good sign. Carlisle seems to think that she had a reaction to one of her medications, something about her doctor mixing pills. While he stresses about the what and why, I find myself stressing about her.

Alice and Esme seem to understand that we need some time because a few minutes after she wakes up they both seem to disappear.

"I was so scared," I admitted softly, moving the chair closer to her bed. "You had me so terrified." I take her free hand, the one that doesn't have an IV in it and I can see the confusion on her face.

"You called Carlisle?" Her voice is scratchy, hoarse from the oxygen tube.

"I did."

"Why?"

"Because I needed him here," my voice breaks and I suddenly realize how terrified I really was. She seems to see this as well because her eyes tear up.

"How was your run?"

I know she is trying to make light of the situation, trying to change our topic, and for once I allow it.

"It was pretty good. I went down the beach a ways; it gave me some time to think about things." I dig my hand in my pocket, my fingers wrapping around the shell and pulling it out in my fist.

"I found something."

Her eyes seem to perk up as she looks at my closed hand. She is curious with what I am about to show her, what could be so important that I would allow the change of subject. After a moment she smiles softly, her eyes meeting mine.

"You found one."

I open my fist so she can see the shell. Most of the sand has been brushed off from my incessant rubbing and it has left a shiny coat on the shell. It almost sparkles in the fluorescent lighting. For a moment she looks like a little kid and I forget where we are. Her cheeks are flushed, her breathing rapid, and her eyes are large as if seeing something for the very first time.

I can tell she is itching to hold it and I place it in her palm watching her hold it reverently. "It's yours."

The shock on her face is replaced quickly by confusion and anger. "You found the shell, Edward, the shell we have been searching for since we were little kids. I'm not going to take that away from you. It's not mine because I didn't find it."

I can feel my anger burning me up, incinerating my insides. "Take the damn shell, Bella."

"It's yours," her justification sounds feeble and even she realizes it but simply shrugs.

"You need it more."

"I'm fine, Edward."

Tears prickle at my eyes as I look at her lying in the bed. "Lying in a hospital bed is not fine, Bella. You need it more than I do."

I can tell she is getting frustrated, her face is flushing and I worry about what getting her so worked up will do to her. "You are _dying_ Bella." A sob escapes my lips as I finally let the words tumble from them.

"You are dying." There is no relief at finally admitting it. No sense of everything falling into place, instead there is only a steady emptiness that grows as the words tumble around me.

"Every day," she replies softly, "but a shell isn't going to change that." She reaches out to me, her fingers brushing over my cheek and nose before gently pushing my hair off of my forehead. "I almost wish it could."

A sob escapes my lips and my voice sounds snotty, nasally. "Please. It is the only thing I have to give you, please."

She looks at me for a moment, contemplating something. "This is important to you?"

"You are important to me." The words are honest and sincere. I know she is dying, know that eventually I will lose her. It doesn't stop the way that I feel. "I love you."

Bella smiles at me softly, her hand closing around the shell as she looks into my eyes. "It took you long enough." I can see the hint of teasing in her features, but she also looks worn out and tired. "I have been waiting for you to say that for five years," she reaches up and her hand cups my face, "let me savor this for a minute." I can't help the chuckle that escapes my lips.

"Much better," she whispers after a moment, "there is my smile."

I place a quick peck on her forehead, the tears falling down my face as I take in everything around me. I know what I am getting myself into, know the loss I will face but I can't force myself to care. I'd rather have her and lose her than regret never taking the chance.

"Can we go home?" Her words echo in the quiet room.

I look into her hopeful eyes and think of a million reasons she should stay, none of them are good enough.

"I'll go talk to dad."

**So I know it has been awhile… I just back from a week and a half in Las Vegas! I needed to get away for awhile and refresh a bit, but now I am back and writing once again! For those of you who have been patiently waiting I have been working on an outtake for To Feel that I am hoping to have up this week!**

**Super special thanks to my beta Pixielovestoshop for looking this over so quickly for me. B you are truly amazing!**

**Thanks to all who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites… Stick with me here and I promise it will be worthwhile!**


	7. Closer

**Chapter 7- Closer**

"_So hold her closer when she cries, hold her closer when she feels.  
She needs a hand to hold, someone who will never let her go again.  
And hold him closer when he tries to hold the tears back from his eyes.  
Don't say goodbye."  
(Hold Her Closer- Blessid Union of Souls)_

The house is quiet, eerily so, and for a moment I wonder if everyone has just up and left me here. I know that I need to try and get some sleep, something that has been eluding me these past few days, but I can't seem to turn my brain off and it is keeping me awake. Things are changing and moving faster than I can keep a handle on.

For the first time in a long time I am scared and not for myself.

I know that the past day's events have changed everything, just as they have changed nothing. The comforting weight of the shell is gone, in its place is a different kind of comfort that can only come from having the support of family and friends. I am still surprised at Bella's calm with the whole situation, surprised by the ease with which she takes each moment.

I'm clinging to them desperately.

-

It's early in the morning when I hear and feel the movement. Bella climbs in next to me, her hair tousled from tossing and turning through the night and as I look into her eyes I wonder what she sees when she looks at me. Do I look just as rough?

"Couldn't sleep?" I ask and my voice is rough and raggedy. She shakes her head silently, her eyes scanning over my exhausted features. For a moment she lays there, and then she intertwines our legs, pulling herself closer until her body is flush against mine. Her warmth is comforting.

When she is here in my arms it's hard to remember that she is sick, that she should, technically, still be in the hospital. Instead it is just us, lying together in my bed. It is something that is comforting and familiar and I can feel the lids of my eyes getting heavier as our breathing evens out.

I make sure she falls asleep before I do.

-

I wake up hours later, my eyes heavy with sleep, and find that she is still wrapped in my arms and still soundly asleep. It has been a long time since I have watched her sleep, something I used to do as a child, and I sit and watch, fascinated by the movement of her eyes, of her lips.

She tends to talk in her sleep, something that Alice and I teased her about when we were younger. It is something I find endearing now, just another little part of her that I am privileged to know. Her lips are moving soundlessly and I wish I could read her lips or even her mind. I yearn to know what she dreams about. Does she dream about me the way I have been dreaming about her?

I can only hope.

I can hear the movement below us, everyone else starting their days, and I feel the urge to skip the day; to simply lay together like we are. As if she knows that I am watching her, she wakes a short time later. Her hair is tangled and matted and her eyes are bloodshot as if she has been crying. I can feel the concern bubbling inside of me, but push it down focusing instead on the small expanse of skin her moving has revealed to me.

Bella doesn't say a word as she reaches up and pulls me to her, her lips meeting mine and folding over them. I find myself trying to protest but she takes the opening as a chance to slip her tongue into my mouth. I tangle my hands in her hair, messing it further, as I pull her closer to me. I am aware there are others in the house, but I can't seem to find the will to care.

If I am going to lose her, which the doctors seem to think I will, than I am going to take each and every moment I can get.

Her mouth makes its way to my ear, nibbling and sucking on it as she tugs on the ends of my hair near the nape of my neck.

"Fuck."

She seems to enjoy the reaction she gets out of me because her laughter fills the air for a moment before I pull her back, our lips meeting once again. I snake my hands under her cami, feeling my resolve crumble as my fingers graze over the soft skin of her stomach. Bella moans softly and I can't help but pull back and smile cockily.

She scrapes her nails down my bare back, softly, and I can feel my eyes rolling back into my head. I can see her smirk and it distracts me for only a moment. Things are progressing quickly and I am all too aware of the people below us. There are footsteps on the stairs and we pull apart, our breathing rapid, and look at one another.

My muscles are taut, tense, and she looks just as worked up as I feel.

"What was that for?" My words are breathy, husky, and she smirks looking up at me through her eyelids.

"For watching me sleep."

Bella sneaks out of the covers, her body shuttering as it is exposed to the cool air. She contemplates something for a moment before lying down next to me once again, this time on top of the covers.

"We should get moving," she looks over her shoulder, "it's already late in the morning."

I've already resigned myself to not moving from the bed and she laughs as I tell her so. She leans over, her lips barely brushing mine before she pulls back once again.

"Don't start something and not finish," I mumble like a little child. Her laugh fills the air and I can hear movement in the hallway before the door opens. Alice stands there, her eyebrow lifted in question, as she looks at the two of us.

"Are you two ever going to get up?" Alice questions. A groan of frustration leaves my lips as I roll out from underneath the covers and move about my room.

"I guess I am now," I can hear the crabbiness in my voice but I can't seem to care. I'll blame it on the lack of sleep.

"Go take a shower," Bella calls to me, throwing a shirt at me as I move about my room. I grab the object and throw it over my shoulder. I can hear the two of them talking softly on my bed and I wonder what they are discussing.

As I leave the room I find myself mumbling softly to myself "a cold shower." I can hear laughter following me all the way down the hall and I can't help but love the sound.

-

I'm sitting at the table nursing my cup of coffee when Carlisle and Esme enter the room. The house is pretty quiet and I wonder for a moment if Alice is trying to talk Bella into wearing some "spectacular" outfit. I can't help but chuckle when I think about the last time Alice played Bella Barbie and for a moment I want to sneak up the stairs and watch.

I can see Esme shoot Carlisle a look and I know her expression well enough to know that if I don't want to spill my guts than it was time for me to leave the room.

"I'm going to go for a run." Before they can respond I am up and out of the room. I know that I had called my father, begging for help, and I knew that I owed him an explanation but it wasn't something I was quite ready to give just yet.

The water is choppy and ice cold. There are a few brave surfers, but otherwise the beach is pretty empty. It's been awhile since I have seen 'our' stretch this quiet and instead of running I make my way near Bella's house and plop down in the sand. I don't want to stay out too long and the weather is a bit too chilly for that. The quiet gives me time to organize my thoughts about everything that is going on.

It's only a few minutes later that I hear Alice and Bella walking down the beach towards me. My eyes can't help but follow them as they make the trek towards me.

"You're mom was looking at me kind of funny," Bella spoke to Alice.

"She is probably planning yours and Edward's wedding," Alice muttered teasingly. A moment later Alice's face changes, it's a look I haven't seen on her face in years but is clearly readable. It's her "oh shit" look. Bella looks at her for a moment before realization overtakes her and she casts her eyes downward.

My heart plummets for the sadness I see on her face and realization dawns on me. No matter how healthy she seems, she is still sick and dying and we only have a very limited amount of time left together. Something that I seem to keep forgetting and each time it hits me like an avalanche. Instead of blanching away from the pain I watch as Bella reaches up and plays with something on a black string around her neck.

As she gets closer, I realize she is softly rubbing the shell I gave her between her two fingers.

-

There is no bonfire that night due to the strong winds. Instead we gather around on the porch around our fire-pit. As Carlisle starts to tell the same familiar stories from our childhood, I see his eyes flitter over each of us stopping for a moment on Bella.

His jaw is open and if I wasn't so concerned about what was making him startled, it would have been funny. It takes me a moment to realize that he is staring at Bella's necklace.

"Is that what I think it is?" For the first time I wonder if he has actually seen one of the shells like he claims he has. Bella links her fingers around the shell, squeezing it for a moment and her eyes flicker to me.

"It is."

Alice seems to just now notice the object as well and she stoops in the low light to get a closer look at it. "It's so pretty." She reaches out to touch it, but seems to think otherwise because she pulls her hands back, a soft flush on her cheeks. "Where did you find it?"

Bella looks at me for a moment, her eyes twinkling in the firelight. "It was a gift."

I can see Esme out of the corner of my eye, watching the interaction between us, and it only takes a moment for her to put the pieces together. Instead of commenting I see her eyes tear and she turns to look at Carlisle who seems speechless for once in his life.

"That is a special gift," Carlisle states softly his eyes flickering to his wife, reading the emotion on her face.

"I know," Bella whispers.

We sit outside until the embers in the fire start to die out. It is a peaceful quiet that settles over us, something that can only be attained with close family and friends. Slowly the group dwindles down in size, Carlisle and Esme going to bed first and Alice following shortly after. As she enters the house she throws one last glance over her shoulder at the two of us. I just _know_ that Alice is dying to interrogate her about the shell.

Bella moves closer, huddling against me since we no longer have the heat of the flames to warm the air around us. I pull a spare blanket off one of the benches and wrap it around her. I wonder if I should tell her to go inside and get out of the cold. For a moment I consider it and then ignore it. I'm far too selfish and it feels too good having her in my arms, so I keep my mouth shut.

For a moment it is just us, under the stars, and the steady crashing of the waves on the surf. She turns around, her arms wrapping around my neck and her legs hanging at my sides. It's a comfortable silence so instead of saying anything I lean down, trailing soft kisses on her forehead, her face, eyes, and nose.

She leaned in slowly, her lips meeting mine softly, just barely brushing them before pulling back. I could see the mischief in her eyes as she brings her hand up and tangles it in my hair. For a moment she looks into my eyes and then she is really kissing me. The emotions that it seems to raise surprise me and then I feel the sparks.

I lean in deepening the kiss and nip at her bottom lip. For a moment she wiggles in my lap and I pull my lips back, unable to control the small growl that escapes them. Her breath is cascading over my face, coming out in pants and we sit and look at one another briefly.

Then she dives in. Out tongues touch and tangle, sweeping over each others with ease. I can hear her pants, soft moans, escaping into the night air and I pull her closer. She angles her neck and adds pressure and I can feel myself spiraling out of control. My hands wrap against her back pulling her flush to my body and her legs wrap around my back. Then she presses against me and I can't help but growl out her name, "Bella!"

She pulls back, her breathing erratic and I can see the puffs of white in the air around us. This reminds me how cold it actually is outside and I know that we should be getting in. "Yes, Edward?" she asks breathily and I want more than anything to just delve back in, instead I pull back and look at her in the moonlight.

"It's cold out here, we should head inside."

"Alright," she sighs softly, "See you tomorrow." She hops off my lap and makes her way towards the pathway to her house. I think about inviting her over, then about taking a cold shower, but instead make my way up the stairs and crawl under the covers.

It's not an hour later I hear the padding of her feet on the stairs and my room door opens. She crawls in next to me and I can't help the chuckle that escapes my lips.

"Shut up," she mutters but I can hear her smile in the way that she says it.

**Thanks to my beta Pixielovestoshop for looking this over so quickly for me while she was sick. She definitely deserves some major props for that!**

**I posted a one-shot titled Quiet Stars so if you haven't checked that out… I recommend you do. It's got Guitarward which in all honesty is probably one of my favorite wards.  
I'm still working on the Wedding Outtake for To Feel and will get it up as soon as it's done.. It's just taking me some time!**

**Thanks to all who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites… Stick with me here and I promise it will be worthwhile!**


	8. Isolated

**Chapter 8- Isolated**

**~Alice POV~**

"_Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."  
__Edna St. Vincent Millay_

There is a frantic urgency to everything around me. It's easy to pretend and to ignore the significance of each day and each moment, but that would be foolish. I was so unprepared for the finality of death that I refused to believe it. After all, sometimes it is easier to ignore the elephant in the room, trust me I would know.

I've been doing it for years.

There is something so warm and soothing about a bonfire that is difficult to explain. For as long as I can remember it has been one of my favorite things about our beach home. Watching the orange and blue flames flicker is hypnotizing and relaxing. In that moment, nothing else exists and nothing else matters. It brings light and heat in an otherwise cold, dark, and lonely environment.

For the first time in awhile I crave the hypnotizing numbness in a way that is difficult to explain. There was a subtle shift tonight, one not only noticeable to me but to my mother and father as well. My thoughts are scattered and it is doing little to help me with my sketching, so instead I put down the book and look out my window. It's a clear night and the stars and moon are out brightly shining through the darkness. It's something I hardly ever get to see in the city and I take a moment to cherish it.

I can see the remnants of the day still scattered on the beach; the occasional footprint, a sand pail, an empty bottle, and a single empty blanket still lay out in the sand. These items forgotten and left behind by the owner each leave their mark on the place and on my memories. No matter how much things change, how many people visit the beach, it will still always be ours.

Our special place.

-

The cold sand squishes beneath my toes as I step off the deck and I relish in the feeling of being truly and utterly alone. It's late enough that I don't have to worry about running into anyone on the beach and for some reason this is a satisfying feeling to have. To know that I will be alone with no interruptions, that no one will see me, makes me feel free.

So, I let the tears fall as I walk.

The wind is whipping and chilly so I make my way to the deserted blanket and wrap it around me. The wool in the material is scratchy against my skin and I have to fight the urge to itch, but oddly I don't mind the sensation. It's something familiar at least.

In that moment I realize what a strange situation I am truly in. Crying because I feel lonely yet loving the loneliness that makes it possible for me to cry. It's not that I can't cry in front of the others, I know that they wouldn't mind, it's that I can't force myself to let them see. It makes me feel weak and I would have to explain things that I am not sure I can really put words to.

Not yet, anyways.

I had a bit of a realization tonight, one that has truly been eye opening, and damnit if I want to sulk I am going to do so; preferably alone. There is no urgency in the moment, no need to hide or quickly wipe the tears away, so I let the tears run and I think.

-

When I was fifteen I was madly in love with a boy down the beach. He had this gorgeous sandy brown hair and deep blue eyes. He always had on his boarder shorts or a wetsuit and if he was near the water he most likely had a surfboard nearby. He was literally the perfect specimen of a male and he was exactly five years older than me. While five years seems like nothing now, back then it was a huge deal.

It was around this time that Edward started to make friends with a few of the other surfers in his group. While Edward was by no means a beach bum, he liked to hit the waves just as well as the rest of the locals and would do so on occasion. It was those times, when Edward was out on the water that I would open up to Bella. We would talk about boys in a way that we never could when Edward was around and I would talk about him.

Our interactions were brief and innocent; a subtle nod of the head, a smile, or a wave. And yet everything seemed so dramatic and so intense, so perfectly surreal. Bella and I gushed over each and every one of those moments, dissecting and inspecting them. We were both so sure of ourselves, unfortunately.

A few days after talking with Bella, the three of us were sitting on the beach when I saw Jasper walk past with his arm wrapped around another girl. I could barely contain the flush of my cheeks or the tears that were fighting to fall out of my eyes. Edward took one look at me and shook his head, pulling me to him and comforting me. Without a word from me, he just knew. Bella was right beside him; arms open wide for whenever I need her.

-

It has always been that way with the three of us. I guess I should say had. Things are different now, different than they have ever been before. The dynamic of the group has changed and shifted in so many ways over the past few weeks. Nothing is the same and yet everything is similar.

I can see the relationship between Edward and Bella blossoming. I see the way they interact, their movements mimicking each other's so perfectly without even realizing they are doing it. Each moment they grow closer, more connected, more entwined. Its heart wrenchingly beautiful and yet devastatingly sad; each moment that brings them closer together also brings them further apart.

I worry for Edward. What his life will be like once she is gone, how he will be able to cope, the changes that he will face. He loves her, I can see it in his eyes and I know that her death will be devastating to him, as it will be to me. Every memory I have growing up contains her in some form. Bella has been my best friend for so long that it feels like we are sisters. I'm really not quite sure how I am going to handle losing her.

I'm really trying not to think about it, really really trying. I look out over the water as the breeze brushes past the tears on my cheeks and it sends a steady chill through my bones. As silly as it sounds, I can't help but feel like I am losing them both already; a sole ship fighting steadily through the storm.

-

The morning came quickly and I stumbled out of bed, groggy and irritated. I had a hard time sleeping with all the thoughts running through my head and instead spent most of the night listening to my iPod and sketching in my notebook. I had come up with a few useable designs for my line and a few that had some distinct possibility. I grabbed my phone and sent a text off to Rosalie who was a good friend of mine and was running my business while I was away. I would have to fax her the designs later to see what she thought.

I was nursing my second cup of coffee in the kitchen when Bella came in, still dressed in her pajamas. I knew that she had been sneaking into the house late at night to spend some time with Edward but for some reason I was still shocked.

"Morning," I grumbled dropping my eyes to look down at my cup of coffee. I'm not sure if she was startled or it she expected everyone was asleep but she jumped a bit before looking over at me.

"Good morning," she replied as a steady blush flushed her cheeks. Nervously she played with the edge of her tank top, twirling it between her fingers for a moment before letting it go with a sigh. Grabbing a cup out of the cupboard she poured herself some coffee before sitting down at the table across from me. Her eyes scanned me for a moment before her brow furrowed in concern. "You don't look too good today."

"Gee," I growled, "Thanks."

She seemed to stare at me for a moment in confusion before blushing and speaking once again. "Not what I meant, sorry. I just meant that you look like you didn't get a wink of sleep."

"I didn't," I admitted before taking a sip of the warm caffeine goodness. "I had too much on my mind so I spent most of the night sketching." My eyes settled for a moment on the sea shell necklace that still lay at the nape of her neck. I forced myself to look away, it only caused more questions to flutter through my overwhelmed mind.

"Well, I guess it's good that you got some work done."

"Yep," I murmured as I stirred a bit more sugar into my drink.

A moment later Edward entered the kitchen, stopping for a second to look between the two of us. I wondered if he thought he was interrupting, and then I realized that he wasn't at all; because honestly we weren't talking about anything important anyway.

He grabbed himself a cup before joining us at the table, kissing Bella on the top of her head as he passed by her. I'm not sure what came over me but suddenly I was suffocating and I needed to get out of the room. Setting my cup on the table, I opened the patio and made my way out onto the wood deck.

I didn't care that I was still in my pajamas, I didn't care that people would see me, I didn't care that it was still chilly, all I cared was that there was plenty of air and plenty of room. I made my way down the beach away from my home and settled into a dry sandy spot a ways down. There were a few people surfing in the water but otherwise the beach was pretty empty.

It was still rather early after all.

I sat watching the water and thinking about my reaction. I had seen them be more intimate then that, hell they made out in front of me in the water, but at that moment it had felt like I was intruding on something very personal. I ran my hands through my mussed hair and let out a gentle sigh.

I was happy for them. I've known for years that they were perfect for each other. A little voice in my head spoke then asking that if I knew, why I hadn't I spoken up? I wasn't really sure how to answer it. But there was one thing I was sure of, completely and utterly sure of, and that was the intensity of that moment at the kitchen table.

-

I wasn't really sure how long I was sitting in the sand before he sat down next to me, but it was long enough that the beach had gotten busier and the sun had fully risen heating the sand to a gentle warmth.

"Alice Cullen," he spoke. His eyes were trained on my face and I could clearly see the concern in them. He looked me over for a moment before wrapping his warm arm around me, engulfing me in his heat. "Tell me what's wrong."

I looked into his blue eyes and was surprised to find that they were still entirely focused on me. "Why would you care, Jasper?" I questioned with a gentle sigh. "We haven't spoken in years."

"And yet I find you sitting alone on the beach, in your pajamas, looking like someone has just killed your puppy. You're Cullen's little sister, Al, and if he isn't taking care of you then someone needs to."

He was sincere, I could tell, and I was surprised how easy it was for me to open up to him in that moment. "I don't really know what is the matter," I admitted reluctantly. I watched his facial expressions and was surprised to find him waiting for me to continue. "Everything is changing so quickly, with Bella being sick and dying, and Edward and Bella officially together, everything is just different."

He looked at me thoughtful for a moment and then shrugged his shoulders casually. "You feel like you are getting left behind."

"A bit," I admitted truthfully, "I don't even hang out or talk with them anymore. When I do I feel like I am intruding on their moment because every time they are together there is this strange intensity."

"That's got to be pretty hard on you, though, and pretty lonely. I mean for as long as I've known you guys it has always been the three of you. With the dynamic changing between the other two in the group you are bound to feel left out, alone. Especially if they aren't there for you like they used to be. That has to be difficult to deal with."

"It is," I muttered, amazed at how well he was reading me and reading the situation. "It's not that I am not happy for them," I find myself rushing to say, "I am really and truly happy for them. I just feel all alone and I mean..." my voice broke for a moment "I'm losing my sister."

His arm squeezed me tightly for a moment and the gesture felt comforting. "You're losing your sister and your best friend." Jasper replied softly, "All before you are ready to. It's not an easy thing and compound that with the fact that you feel alone and it is bound to have an effect on you."

There was a gentle quiet between us and I suddenly felt really grateful to him for stopping to check on me. "Thank you, Jasper, for being so kind and letting me talk this out."

"Anytime." he spoke softly, "Honestly Alice, anytime. If you feel alone or just need a friend I am just down the beach a ways. Don't forget it."

I promised myself I wouldn't.

-

**Things are progressing and everything will be fully out in the open soon!**

**I dedicate this chapter (and Beachsper) to my amazing beta Pixielovestoshop. Thanks for the stalker texts and harassment B, you know I love it!**

**Thanks to all who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites… Stick with me here and I promise it will be worthwhile!**

**N**


	9. Stormy Weather

**Chapter 9- Stormy Weather**

**I changed the format a bit: Italics are past, Normal font is present day.**

Sometimes the loudest scream doesn't make a sound. I sat on my bed, my face in my hands as I tried to hold back the sobs that seemed to escape through my lips. The bed dipped and sunk under my weight as I lay back against it, letting the tremors overtake me. I could hear the patter of rain as it plunked against the roof of the house and while normally it would have soothed me, I was in no place to be soothed.

-

_24 hours prior-_

_It had been unseasonably wet and rainy the past few days and I was itching to get Bella outside, onto the beach, and into the water. As if knowing what I was thinking, she rolled over letting out a small groan as she looked outside the window._

"_I thought the beach was supposed to be sunny," she growled, laying her head against her arms and turning to look at me. _

_It had been a week since the weather had turned for the worst, a week since Bella had moved herself into my room, and a week since we had hung out with my sister. The thought caused me to frown and my forehead to pucker at the thought. She had all but removed herself from our home and was spending copious amounts of time down the beach with Jasper._

_I'm not sure why, but I really didn't like it._

_As if sensing what I was thinking, Bella reached over, her hand smoothing out the wrinkles of my forehead and easing the tension of my shoulders. "You could just talk to her about it," she whispered, her fingers tangling their way into my hair and causing me to sigh._

"_I could, but what would be the point."_

"_The point is that you miss her," Bella responded, "and instead of telling her, you two are dancing around each other like you are on eggshells."_

_Ignoring her remarks I diverted the discussion, "I say we go out even though it is raining."_

_Bella's nose wrinkled in disgust and I couldn't help but chuckle at the expression on her face. I knew the beach would be wet and most likely colder than we were used to, but I was tired of feeling cooped up in the house and I needed to stretch my legs and get out for a bit._

"_I just need to get out of here for awhile," I commented as I voiced my thoughts, "this house is too stuffy and I'm tired of being cooped up." As if sensing she needed some encouragement, I puckered my lower lip out and made it tremble slightly. "Please?" I begged, "For me?"_

_Yanking the covers off of her body and sighing dramatically, she nodded her head. I was shocked that she had agreed so willingly and even more surprised at how quickly she was springing into action. I wasn't sure what we were going to do, or where we were going to go, but I was excited nonetheless. I would be getting out of the house, at least for a little while._

-

There was a gentle knock at my door and I growled at the intrusion as I curled deeper into the covers of my bed. Instead of going away, I heard the subtle creak as the door was pushed open followed by the gentle pad of feet on the wood floor.

"Hey," she murmured her voice tired and just as emotional as mine, "I wanted to make sure you were alright."

I nodded my head, as I continued to stare blankly at the ceiling above me, a feeling filling my stomach and making it twist and turn agonizingly. She obviously knew me better because I felt the edge of my bed dip for a moment and she reached up, her hand running gently through my hair.

"It's going to be alright, Edward."

I rolled to the side, letting her see my tearstained face and red eyes. She looked me over for a moment; her eyes tearing as well as she pulled me closer to her.

"I'm not so sure, mom."

-

_22 hours prior-_

_The beach was freezing, even after putting on bundles of clothing. I could feel the gentle mist of the water and the rain sticking to my skin and setting a gentle chill throughout my whole body. I knew I was being stubborn and that it was a stupid idea coming out here, but I wasn't going to back down. Trekking a path down the beach, I grabbed Bella's hand pulling her closer to me._

"_Maybe we should go back?" she questioned, her eyes full of concern as her arms tightened around her body warding off the chill of the air._

"_I want to show you the area where I found your shell," I replied, delighted when I saw a smile on her face at the mention of it. "There are some caves near there, we can go in and warm up a bit before heading back to the house." Knowing she was chilly I pulled her closer, my arms wrapping around her and giving her some of my body heat as we continued to walk._

_Despite the rain and the cold it was surprisingly comfortable._

_We made it down the beach at a surprisingly fast rate, the chill only helping egg us on to move quicker and be more efficient with our time. The spot on the beach was unassuming and we stopped once we reached it. Instead of continuing to move, I set down in the wet sand, letting the moisture soak through my jeans as I pulled her into my lap._

"_I was sitting here thinking," I whispered, "about us and about everything that was going on. I was so frustrated and upset and I couldn't keep my hands or feet still. I began digging in the sand, making little hills and as my fingers sifted through the fine grains, I hit something hard. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw what it was and suddenly the only thing I could think of was giving it to you."_

_She had tears in her eyes as she looked at me, and I couldn't help but feel my eyes tearing up as well. "I know I have fought you on a lot of things throughout our life, Bella, more than I probably should have anyways," sighing I ran my hand up over my face before closing my eyes. "But the biggest fight I ever had to put up was trying to stop myself from falling in love with you. There were so many times throughout the years, so many moments where I just knew how perfectly we fit together, and yet I continued to fight it. I will never forgive myself for leaving you after that bonfire so many years ago. I was so stupid, so afraid, and so ready to put up a fight."_

"_We were young," she sighed, "and it's not that I wasn't scared as well I was just better able to hide it." I couldn't help but scoff, even as she looked up at me with a beautiful smile on her face. "I've loved you, Edward, for such a long time. I know it's not something I say often, but I need you to know and understand that. Being with you, being us, it just comes easily to me."_

_I could feel the emotion of the moment filling me and I leaned down, kissing her softly and pulling her to me closer. This was right and I wouldn't fight it any longer. Hell I had stopped fighting awhile ago and was just now admitting it. Tugging her lower lip into my mouth, I nipped it softly before soothing it with my tongue. After a moment, she pulled back, a beautiful smile on her face and she looked at me._

"_As much as this moment means, I'm soaking wet and freezing and I clearly recall you promising me that we could look at some caves."_

_Nodding my head I stood up, pulling her with me as I pointed just a short ways down the beach. I hoped like hell they were deep and covered enough that we could get some shelter from the rainy weather and a bit of time to ourselves._

-

I cradled a cup of coffee in my hands as I sat at the kitchen counter, sighing at the brightness of the new day. It figured it would be sunny today when I really had no urge to leave the house let alone my bed.

"Mom finally manipulated you out of bed?" Alice questioned, her eyes showing no pleasure in making the joke.

"Unfortunately, yes," I responded, rolling my eyes as Alice sat down on the stool next to me. If I would have had things my way, I most likely would have spent most of the day in my bed. There was an awkward quiet between Alice and I, one that we hadn't shared since before Carlisle and Esme adopted me and it put me on edge.

"I'm thinking about going out and watching Jasper surf for awhile if you want to come out?" Alice questioned. I was surprised to find a surge of anger filling my body and I turned my head to look at her, my nostrils flaring. "Or not," she muttered.

"I'm fine inside, thank you very much." I bit back; bringing my coffee cup to my lips and taking a sip of the drink, letting the warmth fill me.

"Sitting by the phone all day isn't going to make it ring any faster," Alice growled back, her hand coming down and smacking on the counter, "I understand that concept, maybe you should too."

Standing up, my stool flew backwards and I turned to look at her, eyes ablaze and filled with such intense anger that I even scared myself a bit. "Don't you dare be snotty or condescending to me, you're still such a _little girl,_ ever the hopeful, optimistic, chipper _child_."

Suddenly she was standing as well, her fists clenched and shaking, her eyes glaring daggers at me. "I get that you are torn up about this, Edward, so I am going to _try_ and let that comment slide. But, and this is a big but, if you ever think you can talk to me that way _ever_ again, you will be sorry. I'm scared too, but at least I am not letting it turn me into a huge bitch."

"You _weren't there,_ Alice, you didn't _see _what I saw. You haven't been there for awhile now, you are too busy off down the beach with your new friends and your new boyfriend to even notice what is going on around here."

Alice took a step back, her anger only growing as I heard Esme and Carlisle enter the kitchen stepping between the two of us. "You want to talk about not being around, Edward, take a look at yourself in the mirror. Ever since you and Bella got together you haven't even gave a shit what was going on in my life or what I was doing. You are such a fucking hypocrite that it is hysterical."

My mouth opened in shock as I looked past my mother and father, my eyes scanning hers as I read the emotion in them. She actually felt like I wasn't there for her, like I didn't care about her. I could feel the breath leave my lungs in one huge whoosh as I leaned back against the counter, deflated.

"I'm going to be on the beach," Alice called angrily over her shoulder, striding past us and slamming the door behind her. Suddenly the past week made perfect sense.

-

_20 hours prior-_

_The cave was covered enough that it offered us protection from the weather and the wind and I curled up on a rock with Bella, letting our heat mingle in the small space._

"_This is nice," she whispered looking up at the rock formations._

_Pulling her closer to me, I smiled as I replied, "Yes, __**this**__ is nice."_

_Our clothes were damp and clung together as I pulled her close to me, letting the comfort she provided flood through my body. I loved just being with her like this, holding her close and letting the smell of her overtake my senses._

_She let out a small shiver, her body shuttering as it did so and I wrapped my arms more securely around her, worried she was still cold._

"_Edward," she questioned softly._

"_Yes," I answered, my eyes meeting hers as I flipped her around so that I could look at her. Her lips met mine for a moment, pulling my body closer to hers as I felt white hot heat spread through my body. Pulling back she looked at me through her eyelashes, a wicked grin on her face._

"_I'm still soooo cold," she whimpered, "and we are all alone, won't you help heat me up?"_

_I felt my jaw open and drop even further as her laughter filled the cave and echoed off the walls. I felt a growl escape my lips as my arms tightened around her stomach and pulled her closer._

"_I'm pretty sure I can do that," I groaned as I lowered my lips to hers and pulled her tightly against me. Our lips molded together, folding over each others, and she sucked on my bottom lip for a moment before trailing her tongue along it._

_The weather outside was still crappy and cold, but here in the tiny little cave, I was definitely starting to warm up._

**There have been quite a few questions about where this story is going... All I can really tell you is that everything will be out in the open very soon and that I hope you trust me (at least a little bit!)**

**Thanks to Pixielovestoshop for betaing for me! Thanks to those of you who take the time to read each chapter and enjoy the story! For those of you who Review or add this to your alerts or favorites; danke! (that's thank you in German! lol)**

**N**


	10. Apprehensive

**Chapter 10- Apprehensive**

The wind whipped around me as I stood on the end of the boat overlooking the water. The journey to the mainland was never really something I looked forward to and the dread I felt over this trip only seemed to make the trek longer. It gave me time to think, time to rehash, and time to feel the overwhelming guilt that crushed at my chest.

As much as I wanted to understand, as much as I wanted to fight, I knew that it was pointless. There were no words to describe the intense pain that I was feeling so instead I chose to be silent. For the life of me, I couldn't help but blame myself…

_-_

_19 hours prior-_

_There was a desire present in her eyes that was unmistakable and unbelievably attractive. I could feel the roughness of the rocks as I sat on a small formation and pulled her closer to me our breaths echoing off the cave walls._

"_We wouldn't want you to be cold," I teased as my hands rubbed up and down her arms. Our lips met and wrestled together, our tongues reaching out and tangling._

"_Are you sure?" I questioned her softly as I looked at our surroundings._

"_More sure than ever," she replied her voice tender, "I love you."_

"_I love you too," I replied as I tugged my coat off of me and bunched it behind me, using it to protect my back and prop me against the wall as I pulled her into my lap._

_Our eyes locked and she smiled softly at me as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down for a quick peck. "I trust you," she mumbled as she pulled her coat off and threw it on the floor of the cave, "I want to be yours."_

_Her words did things to me that I couldn't explain and I tangled my hands in her hair pulling her to me tightly and kissing her. I could feel her tongue snake out and run across my lips and I couldn't help the moan that escaped my lips as I bucked up against her. She whimpered at the action, her eyes closing tightly._

_Her hand snaked up my back, pulling my sweater with it, quickly removing it and throwing it behind her. Smiling mischievously I gripped her shirt tugging on it before slowly peeling it off her. Pulling me off of the rock and into a standing position we stood looking at one another. I couldn't help but be entranced by the pure white lace of her bra._

_Pulling her to me and holding her in my arms I kissed her forehead for a moment, my eyes searching the area for the best place to move this to before things got out of control and then she tugged on my belt._

-

The boat pulled up and docked slowly and I looked through the crowd, a force of habit I would never break. I made my way to the transportation area and stood in line for a cab. It was a short enough distance to the hospital that I could have walked it, but I just didn't have the energy to.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I sighed as I pulled it out looking at the flashing **Alice** on the screen. I contemplated for just a moment before hitting the ignore button and sticking it back into my pocket. She had said everything that she had needed to and right now I had other things to deal with and think about. I would worry about the conversation the two of us needed to have later.

The cab line moved slowly, frustratingly slowly, but eventually it was my turn and I hopped in.

"Mercy Memorial please."

A grunt was the drivers reply as he pulled away and into the busy traffic. I was suddenly regretting my decision not to walk. I probably would have gotten there faster.

-

_Her arms were wrapped around me, clinging to me as I pressed her against the smooth rock. Her body trembled as I pressed myself closer, amazed at the feel of her body against mine. Leaning in I teased her neck, first with my tongue and then with gentle nips trailing down to her breasts. Her hands tangled in my hair tugging at the ends and I let out a low moan which echoed back at me._

_Picking her legs up I wrapped them around my waist, feeling them squeeze around me and pull me closer. I could tell she was frustrated with the pace and that she wanted to speed things up and as her body bucked against mine I had a hard time controlling the urge to just plow into her. Instead I pressed my face in her neck, relishing the familiar scent of her shampoo and allowing myself a second to collect my thoughts._

"_Please," she whispered._

_I knew I couldn't deny her any longer, so I slowly pressed against her heated flesh, sighing at the feeling. I stilled for just a moment before moving into her slowly, relishing the feeling of her body wrapping around me._

_Once I was fully inside her I halted and looked into her eyes, amazed at the love and devotion I found there. I relished the feeling for a moment more before finally pulling out and pushing back in, setting a pace that was excruciating slow but intimate and intense._

_Her cries echoed off the walls as I continued to play her body, each sigh and moan bringing me closer to the edge. Our lips met once more, languidly resting open against one another as our breathing mingled. She fit me perfectly and I was so overcome by emotion that it hurt to breathe._

_As if sensing what I was thinking or feeling her eyes opened and met mine, a single tear falling down her cheek. I would worship the time I had with her, worship her for as long as I could because in that moment it felt like home to me._

_The tightness of her body convulsing around me sent me over the edge. "I love you," I moaned as I released inside of her, my head lying against her shoulder as I tried to catch my breath._

-

I grabbed a few bills and handed them to the driver, hopping out of the vehicle and making my way into the building. Having been in this hospital before I made my way through the entrance and grabbed an elevator, hitting the button for the fourth floor.

Each ding brought me one step closer to her and I found myself holding my breath hoping that it would somehow ease the nerves in my stomach. As the doors opened I made my way down the hall, stopping at the right room.

My hand rose to knock but I couldn't find the courage. Resting my head against the wall I slid down and sat in the hallway organizing my thoughts.

I loved her.

It was my fault she was in here.

Alice hated me.

Would anything ever go right?

The door I was sitting beside opened and I looked up surprised to see a familiar set of brown eyes.

"There you are," she sighed and her body seemed to relax as she looked at me.

"Hi," I whispered waving softly before running my hand through my hair.

Her head tilted to the side, studying me for a moment, before she frowned and brought her hand up nibbling on one of her nails.

Her hand reached out, beckoning me to get off the floor and join her in the room. Rising slowly I followed her inside and watched her climb back into her bed. Patting the space beside her, she lowered her head onto her pillow and sighed.

I moved to sit next to her, letting my hand run through her tangled hair.

"I know what you are thinking," she whispered, "but this isn't your fault."

_-_

_Her body slumped and I couldn't help but smirk at the feeling of satisfaction that ran through my body. I had done that to her. She was finally __**mine.**__ It was euphoric and I couldn't help but smirk as I gently kissed her forehead and then her mouth._

_The chill in the air had all but dissipated and I felt toasty warm in the cavern we were occupying but I still knew that we should get dressed. I handed her clothes to her, holding her steady as she put them on before pulling mine on. Gripping her hand I couldn't help but laugh as I listened to her mumble behind me as we made our way out into the rainy weather and back down the beach towards home._

_The trek back seemed excruciatingly long and tiring and by the time we reached the house I was surprised to find myself out of breath. Turning back to look at Bella I was shocked to see how red her face was._

"_Are you alright?" I questioned, looking at her panting form in concern._

"_I'm fine," her voice was ragged and breathy and it concerned me more than a little bit._

"_We need to get you inside," I growled, as I looked her over once more._

"_I'm __**fine,**__" she growled._

_I watched her face turn red and she looked up at me surprised and then it happened; her body collapsed. I lunged for her, my arms tightening around her as I lowered her to the deck and yelled for help. I could hear people inside the house, running to the patio door but I refused to look away from her. The tears in my eyes were blurring my vision and the rain only added to the wetness. I bent over trying to protect her face from the onslaught of water and sat shocked as I watched a small trickle of blood escape her mouth._

**_-_**

**_I had a bit of trouble writing this chapter and I am still not sure if I am happy with it... I rewrote it about 3 times before deciding I was going to stick with what I originally wrote... so hopefully you guys liked it! You will find out what is wrong with Bella very soon! _**

**_Thanks to Pixielovestoshop for betaing for me while studying for midterms! You rock girlie!_**

**_N_**


	11. Dereliction

**Chapter 11- Dereliction**

"_You never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind."  
–Author unknown._

-

_Previously:_

_Her hand reached out, beckoning me to get off the floor and join her in the room. Rising slowly I followed her inside and watched her climb back into her bed. Patting the space beside her, she lowered her head onto her pillow and sighed._

_I moved to sit next to her, letting my hand run through her tangled hair._

"_I know what you are thinking," she whispered, "but this isn't your fault."_

-

I sat in the hospital for hours, watching her go through test after test and seeing the pain on her face. Her words from earlier still bounced around in my head taunting me. I was the monster who put her in here and the fact that she was standing up for me did little to ease my battered nerves. There was a heavy silence between us, one that hadn't been present in years and I didn't like the feelings it was stirring. I didn't like feeling guilty.

As if she could sense my inner turmoil it seemed like every second Bella was sparred of tests she was holding me, clinging to me. A gesture I would have normally found comforting, it now came across as desperate and overbearing, something I felt immense guilt for feeling. I should have been treasuring my time with her, but something was holding me back. Friends and family came and went and as I sat in the room watching the interactions between my family and Bella I felt like an outsider looking in on something immensely private.

Somehow, in some way, my thought process had changed and while I knew what I needed to do, I wondered if I really had the strength to do it.

"You are awful quiet," Alice whispered as she sat down in the chair next to mine, her eyes scanning my face with sadness.

"I'm just thinking," I responded nonchalantly trying to avoid meeting her eyes.

"Please, Edward," Alice's voice became even quieter, "don't do it."

I looked up, my eyes meeting hers and watched her face fall as she took in my appearance. "I have no idea what you are talking about," I replied. It only took a moment for me to realize my voice sounded as dead as I felt.

Instead of continuing to talk to Alice, because I already knew what she would say, I made my way over to the bed and sidled up onto the bed so that I was lying next to Bella. She remained deep in conversation with my parents and her father Charlie who had flown up as soon as he could. I watched them interact wishing with all that I could that things were different, but they weren't.

Instead of interacting, I closed my eyes and let the gentle hum of noise lull me. I could hear the concern in everyone's voice and I could hear the tension and stress in Bella's. I had wondered how she was coping and her voice made it very obvious that it wasn't well which only made me worry more.

-

I woke up some time later to the entrance of a nurse and was surprised to find that everyone but me had left for the evening. After checking her vitals the nurse smiled sadly at me and then excused herself from the room.

"What's wrong Edward?"

Bella's voice startled me and I turned to look at her surprised to find her lying next to me, her eyes rimmed in red.

"Nothing is the matter," I replied automatically, "I'm just worried about you." A gentle sigh escaped her lips and I watched as a lone tear fell down her cheek. "How are you handling things?" I questioned.

"Not the greatest," she muttered, "nice changing of the subject by the way." She looked at me then and I realized just how well she could see through me. It was a bit unnerving. "Why are you lying to me?"

I took a moment to study her face, noticing the worry lines that had formed in the v above her eyes. Instead of answering I reached my hand out and smoothed them, watching as she noticeably relaxed at my touch.

"You know that I love you, right?" I questioned. My heart and mind screamed at me in a mass of confusion and confliction. I wasn't quite sure which was going to win yet.

"Of course," she responded immediately, "and you know that I love you."

Instead of responding I leaned in and met her lips softly, just barely brushing against them. She brought her hand up around my neck and wrapped in the hair that lay there. As I continued to place gentle kisses on her lips and face I could feel my heart slowly breaking in my chest and I knew that my brain had won the battle.

I took a deep breath and let it out shakily before deepening the kiss and nipping at her lips. As she angled her neck and added more pressure I felt my resolve crumble around me. No matter what happened I would remember this moment.

Pulling away I slightly brushed one last kiss on her forehead and then buried my head into her hair, greedily inhaling the scent.

"Can we just stay like this forever," I murmured my voice thick with emotion.

"That would be nice," Bella sighed as her hands clung to my shirt. I let myself revel in the feeling of her, in the warmth that she always brought me knowing what I had decided. Eventually, together, we fell asleep.

-

I woke up early and lay staring at the ceiling as Bella continued to rest next to me. I knew with every fiber of my being that what I was doing was going to be painful and that it would most likely tear me apart but I had made my decision. I watched the gentle movement of her eyelids as she dreamed, watched the softness of her face contort, and listened to her quiet murmurings as she sleep talked. I soaked in each second that I had left with her, knowing that there were few left.

A short while later she woke.

Instead of remaining in the bed I moved to the chair next to it and steadied myself for what I was about to do.

"Good morning," Bella chirped as she ran her hands through her tangled hair and smiled softly at me. All traces of the worries I had seen the previous day were gone, which only seemed to make me more concerned.

"We need to talk, Bella."

Her smile dropped and she nodded her head before maneuvering herself so that she was sitting on the edge of the mattress. "Is everything alright?" she asked, and I could tell by the look in her eyes that she already knew the answer.

"There is no easy way to say this," I muttered as my nerves kicked it, "but this is just so hard. Seeing you like this Bella, it's killing me."

I watched as the tears began to well in her eyes and then tumble down her cheeks. "This isn't your fault, Edward, I'm sick. I know that for whatever reason you are blaming yourself but please don't do this to us, to me."

"I just need some time to think," my voice sounded dead and alien even to myself and I watched as Bella looked at me incredulously as the tears continued to fall. "I love you, I have always loved you, but sitting here watching this happening to you, watching you fall apart is literally tearing me up inside. I'm not breaking up with you, I'm not even leaving the city, I just need to be alone for awhile to clear my head."

I watched as recognition fluttered across Bella face as more tears fell. With a resigned sigh she nodded her head and made her way into her adjoining bathroom. The sound of the door slamming reverberated through the room. Grabbing my things I made my way out of the room forcing myself not to look back.

-

Quickly I sent a text message to Alice telling her to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I waited until I was out of the hospital and in the taxi before I actually let the reality of what had just happened sink in. As the tears fell down my face I asked the taxi driver to take me to the nearest hotel. I may have left her for her own good, but that didn't mean I couldn't be nearby. As we took the winding streets of the town the taxi driver looked back at me in sympathy. I briefly wondered what he would think if he knew the monster I really was.

-

My phone had been ringing incessantly since the moment I had checked in, so I turned it on vibrate and placed it on the nightstand. I knew it was most likely Alice or my parents asking me what I was thinking or reprimanding me for being such a horrible human being. I really couldn't listen to it right now. Instead I lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling feeling the weight of the morning on my body. My body physically ached and my heart felt as if it had been ripped from my chest.

If this was how I felt now, how would I feel when she was completely gone? The idea was unfathomable to me and only made my heart hurt worse than it already was.

I loathed myself for putting us in this situation and for causing this pain for not only myself but Bella as well. I hoped that Alice was taking care of her the way that I could never seem to do properly. I hoped that my parents were there supporting and loving her like they have always done. I hoped that one day I would be able to forgive myself for my actions.

I had always been a morally strong individual but at that moment, as I stared at the ceiling and contemplated my future without her, I had never wanted to be weak so much in my life. As a doctor I knew hundreds of ways to heal someone but knew of nothing to heal myself. I realized how easy it would be to just end my suffering before mentally chastising myself for being a coward. I would be miserable once she was gone but I would pick up the pieces and hold my family together as I had always done in a time of need.

It wasn't just me who would suffer.

The buzzing of my phone irked me into action and I reached over answering it without looking at the caller ID.

"You're a fucking coward." It was Alice, of course.

"Please tell me something I am not aware of," I sighed.

"Mom and Dad are totally going to disown you," she continued. "How in the world could you be so selfish, so pigheaded, and so hurtful? With everything else Bella is going through, how can you put her through this too?"

"Alice," I whispered, "you really can't even begin to imagine how much I hate myself right now. If you called to tell me that you disown me or that you will never speak to me again that's fine. I deserve it." There was a shocked silence on the line and I listened to the gentle buzz that my cell phone was emitting.

"Where are you?" Alice questioned and her voice sounded off.

"I'm at a hotel, pretty close by. Please just let me wallow in my self hatred alone."

"What hotel, what room?" I had to give it to my sister; she was nothing if not persistent.

"The Radisson on Tenth, room 1282." I listened to the dial tone, not surprised that she would hang up on me.

It was only about ten minutes later that I heard the gentle tapping on my door. Getting out of bed I pulled the door open and took in the sight of Alice standing her arms crossed. She looked over me once, her frown deepening before entering the room.

"What in the world are you doing here?" I asked, not in the least bit amazed that she had stormed over in a tizzy to put me in my place. What she did next took me by surprise. Uncurling her arms she wrapped them around me, pulling me to her in a tight hug.

"I'm here, dear brother because you need me and because you are hurting." The tears began to fall freely down my face once more as I looked into her concerned eyes. Taking my hand she tugged me deeper into the room, pushing me down onto the bed before sitting by my head, her hands stroking my hair.

"How's Bella?" As I spoke her name my voice broke and I let out a small hiccup that only seemed to make Alice smile.

"Pretty damn determined if you ask me. She knows you better than you think she does, Edward. She knows you are hurting over this as much as she is. She also knows how much you love her and that you aren't breaking up with her but that you just need some time. I wouldn't be surprised if she called you and told you to get over yourself and get your ass back to the hospital."

"It's not that simple, Alice."

"With you it never is." I turned my head to scowl at her, she tisked slightly and shook her head before continuing to speak. "You forget I know you pretty well too." Instead of continuing to talk she let her hands roam through my hair again. I let the soothing action calm and relax me. As my eyes began to droop I heard Alice's voice float over me gently. "You always have your reasons, but don't take too long figuring it out."

**As always thanks to my amazing Beta-extraordinaire Pixielovestoshop (the title guru) and to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites. I may not respond to all of your messages but I read and appreciate them!**


	12. It's getting late

**Chapter 12- It's getting late**

**BPOV**

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death.

Robert Fulghum

-

There is a heavy silence in my room making the shuddering of my breathing even more loud. The sound soothes and irritates me at the very same time. Each breath that I take burns with stinging accuracy reminding me that amazingly I am still alive, that I still have breath left in me. It also reminds me how perilous my position currently is, I raise the head of my bed to stave off the fluid that is slowly suffocating me.

I've lived a good life, one filled with the love and warmth of family and friends that truly care about me. There is so much I want to say to them, so much I feel I need to share before it's too late.

I need to tell mom and dad how much I love them, how much they mean to me. I need them to understand that everything will be alright, even if it doesn't seem that way. I need to tell Alice that she was always like the sister I never had. That if I had the chance to go back I would cherish every second of her meddling and scheming ways. I need to let Edward know how much I love him, how much he has always meant to me, in so many ways he has been my _everything_. I need to tell Carlisle and Esme how much I love them like a second set of parents. That no matter what happened in my life I wanted them there. I need to ask them to look after Edward for me, to take care of him once I am gone. It's not going to be easy on him and I know that no matter how much he denies it, he will need them.

There is so much I need to say and yet every time I try, I can't form the words.

-

I'm not afraid of dying or of taking my last breath. I know that in the end everyone must die and that my time just simply came earlier than I had expected. I've come to terms with it. I'm more afraid of that final moment. Will it hurt? Will I be alone? Will I know and understand what is happening in that final second as my brain shuts down?

The fear of that moment grips my heart with my lack of understanding. There is only one person I truly want by my side at the moment and it seems impossible. The fear that he will not be able to cope with my loss almost cripples me. My chest aches with thoughts of Edward. Crying hurts so damn bad that my eyes sting with each breath that I take in.

My thoughts are overridden with images of him, of our life intertwined of what could have been. It's these brooding thoughts that take over me when I am alone. I picture the children I always dreamed of having, the home we would share, and the love that would never get a chance to bloom to its potential.

I remember a time when the possibility seemed hopeless, years ago when there was a distance between us that seemed impenetrable. He was restless with his life, frustrated with school and the demands that were placed on him. I was a young girl madly in love with one of my best friends and too terrified to say something.

There were times that summer when I would sit on the beach and watch him as he sat by the fireside, the orange flames flickering off of his face. He would stare into the flames longingly as if he could find the answer to his troubles inside of it. The action fascinated me and I was caught staring by Alice more than once.

When she questioned me on it there was little I could say or do. I had always been a terrible liar and Alice had always had a kind of sixth sense about it anyways, she would know if I was lying to her. So I lay my head in her lap and told her everything, the words spilling out of me as fast as they possibly could. She looked down at me contemplatively and sadly her head nodding in understanding.

"You love him," she told me, her words a whisper on the breeze that blew from the water.

"I love him," I replied my eyes tearing at the relief in saying the words aloud, for someone sharing in the feelings that were bubbling up inside of me and taking me over. The breeze brushed past us as both of us stare at the crashing waves on the shore.

"Alright," it was the last she ever spoke of it.

It was a few years later that I chose to act on it, begging him to love me back. He kissed me beneath the moonlight, our lips moving together urgently. For a moment I was alive, my body was humming and my heart singing and as the tears fell down my face I knew it would never be that easy.

It took all that I had in me to walk away from him that night, to let him spread his wings and do what he needed to do.

I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I would have fought for him.

-

There has been a steady stream of visitors to my tiny room and it almost seems suffocating in a way. I feel, in a way, as if I am being put on show. I know that is not the intention of the people coming to see me but I can't help but feel suffocated. I need to get out of this room, feel the fresh breeze of the beach on my face and the sand beneath my toes. I long for the smell of the campfire, the heat of the flames as they flicker in front of me and suddenly I know more than anything what I want.

"Daddy?"

I can see the despair in his eyes and for a moment I feel guilty but an overwhelming sense of urgency fills me and I know that he will not deny me this one last thing.

"What baby?" he questions his voice rough with emotion.

"I want to go to the beach one last time." It comes out more of a demand than a request and I see him look at me, really truly look at me.

"Alright," he whispers his face turning to look at Carlisle who acknowledges my request with a soft nod.

They know what I am asking without saying.

Suddenly I am ready to talk and my mouth is moving, saying everything I am afraid I will never get a chance to say. The words bubble from my lips. I tell them how much they mean to me, how much I love them. I talk about my favorite moments with each of them and I hold Esme as she cries as I beg them to take care of Edward for me.

I struggle with the words as I pick up the phone and dial his number by heart. He picks up on the second ring and I can hear the pain in his voice.

"Hello."

"We're going to the beach," my voice is scratchy from holding back my tears and from the burn of struggling to breathe.

There is a moment of silence and I know, deep in my heart, that he is struggling with everything I am not saying in that sentence. I don't want this to be our goodbye, for this to be the last memory he ever has of me. I want it to be a happy moment, something completely opposed to how I am now. But this moment is all we will get.

"Meet you there?" His voice is hesitant, sad, and it makes me chest ache so badly that I gasp for air.

"I'll be the one with bells on," I whisper as I think about the first time I allowed myself to hope that he loved me too.

"_I'll meet you by the dock at six," Edward whispered into the phone. I could hear Alice in the background her laughter echoing through the room._

"_It's a date," I replied my hands trembling as I pressed the phone against my face tighter._

"_What is it you need to talk to me about, anyways?" he teased, his voice light and joyful._

"_You will just have to wait like a good little boy," I harassed him._

"_Fine," he grumbled, "Meet you there?"_

"_Of course, I'll be there with bells on."_

_His snigger rang through the line and I couldn't help but smile at the deep meaty sound of it._

"_Oh Bella," he sighed, "I love you."_

_For a moment I stood frozen to the spot unsure of what to say or how to respond. I briefly wondered if he knew, my heart swelled with the possibility before reality crashed down on me._

"_See you then, Edward."_

_-_

The sand was gritty between my bare toes, the familiar feeling welcoming and relaxing to my stressed out body. I slowly made my way towards the water feeling the grittiness give way to mushiness and then the coolness of the waves crashing over my feet. The smell of salt permeated the air and I took as deep of a breath as I could letting it fill my lungs and set there for a moment before releasing it.

The cool breeze whipped my hair around my face and I couldn't help the burst of laughter that escaped through my lips and echoed through the wind. I turned around looking at my family sitting by the fire-pit their eyes focused on something off in the distance.

I turned and looked in the direction they were facing and noticed the familiar shape making its way towards me. My feet moved of their own accord and I found myself running towards him, his arms outstretched waiting for me to meet him.

I reached him after a moment, my lungs screaming for air but I couldn't seem to care. He pulled me to him tightly, holding my body upright and against his. His right hand moved up and brushed the stray hairs out of my face his eyes scanning my face.

I wanted this moment, needed it as much as my body needed the oxygen it was struggling to get. I clung to him, letting my body settle, and then I pressed myself to him moving my lips to meet his. They pressed together lightly, sweetly and I could feel the tremble of his body beneath my hands as he fought back his tears. After a moment he wrapped his hands in my hair and deepened it, his tongue lapping against my bottom lip before he sucked it into his mouth and nibbled on it softly. I opened my mouth in a gentle whimper letting his tongue fold against mine. My lungs screamed in protest and I pulled back gasping for air.

"Bella," he whispered. His mouth trailed along my jaw and he laid it next to my ear, the gentle puffs of his breaths fanning across my face and steadying my breathing. "I love you."

"I love you," I replied breathily, my head relaxing against his shoulder as we continued to stand in our embrace.

The birds cawed, the waves crashed into the sand, and the wind continued to blow. As we stood together lost in that single moment, the world continued to turn, the clock continued to move, and I fought with every ounce of my soul to ingrain this moment within both of us forever.

I turned and pressed my back to chest, watching the sun slowly set behind the water and took in this last moment. I could feel the pressure in the back of my eyes of tears burning to be set free, but I pushed back the feeling not wanting to ruin this moment for him. My lungs ached and burned and I suddenly felt so amazingly tired. I leaned more of my weight against him letting my throbbing legs rest for a moment. As if sensing my fatigue he led me back to our family and the warmth and glow of the bonfire.

"Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me," Edward whispered pulling me into the lounging chair with him. I could feel the heat from the flames and turned to watch the orange glow flicker across his face. It was amazing how far I had come from that shy girl who sneaked peaks at him all those years ago.

As the night wore on I fought my eyes to keep them open and focused on those around me. Slowly they rose and hugged me, leaving lingering kisses on my forehead as they made their way to their beds. The warmth from the fire made me face tingle and I turned to look at Edward realizing we were the last two out.

"It hurts to see you this way," Edward whispered softly, "but I wouldn't give up this day, this moment, for anything."

The tears I had been fighting to hold back tumbled down my face as I leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"Tell me Bella," he whispered "Tell me what you are feeling and what you are thinking."

I took a moment to compose myself, gently wiping my face off as I looked into his eyes, into his soul.

"I feel content," I sighed, "and so incredibly grateful and happy that you came today. I'm a bit tired, but that is to be expected." I took a deep breath composing my thoughts. "I want you to know I love you, Edward more than words can ever express. I want you to know how much this last summer has meant to me, how much you have meant to me."

I could feel his tears as they fell down his face and hit my head. I reached my hands up and gently brushed them away. He cleared his throat the sound echoing through the silence that suddenly built between us.

"Are you afraid?" he whispered.

"I'm not afraid of dying," I replied softly, "I'm afraid that you will forget about me."

"Never," his voice was soft but powerful and I found myself looking up into his eyes, mesmerized by them once again. His head leaned down and he gently brushed his lips against mine, just a feather of a touch. "It's getting late."

"You go on in," I told him softly my eyes focused on the slowly dying flames, "I want to watch the embers for a bit."

He seemed hesitant for a moment, but then nodded. I pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him as tightly as possible. Our lips met tenderly and melded together before he pulled away placing a final peck on my forehead.

"Love you," I whispered.

"As I love you," he replied his face tensed with worry.

"I'll be right on in, I promise."

His eyes gazed at me for one last moment before he sighed and slowly turned to make his way up the beach. I watched him walk through the sand, the moonlight guiding him to his house. I watched him open the patio door and turn to look back at me before he disappeared inside.

I turned back to the fire and watched the embers burn and blaze as the fire died down. I looked out at the water and watched the wave's crash on the shore. It was peaceful, it felt like home, and I couldn't help the small smile that fell across my lips. Leaning back on the bench I took a deep breath of the ocean air and closed my eyes.

**I know that is chapter is forever in the making… and you all have waited so patiently for it. I had a hard time with writing this chapter but it was something that I felt was really important for me to do, to tell B's side as well. Updates will be more frequent now as we near the end.**

**N **


	13. Sunset

**Chapter 13- Sunset**

**EPOV**

_I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I never asked for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets.  
- __Anonymous_

_-_

I dreamed of many things that night, which only served to make it harder for me to wake up in the morning. The sunlight filtering through the blinds and landing on my face told me that it was probably later in the morning than I realized. I rolled over to Bella's side of the bed and was shocked into awareness by the coldness of the sheets.

And somehow, instantly, I knew.

-

Words fail me.

It hurts to move, to think, and to fucking breathe.

Everything is hazy and unclear. I feel like I am stumbling through my life. I know where I am at and who I am talking to but I don't have any idea of what is going on or what I am saying.

Alice is always nearby, her eyes constantly scanning my face with signs of worry.

I think she is waiting for me to break down.

I think they all are.

-

I can still picture Bella that night, curled in the lounger as she looked up at me through her eyelashes and begged for me to let her stay out for just a few more minutes. My mind lingers on the last image I have of her and I can't help but feel relieved that I know she was smiling.

At least that gives my troubled soul some bit of ease because I know deep down inside me that she was really truly happy.

.

Carlisle is the one that found her; I can picture the look on his face as he came back in from the beach, his eyes meeting mine as he shook his head softly. I remember the feel of the countertop digging into my hands as I gripped it, the feel of my legs giving out from underneath me.

In that moment I can literally feel my heart shatter.

-

I haven't cried as disgusting as that sounds.

Not a single fucking tear.

I lie in bed at night and wait for them to come, my mind on a loop reel of memories trying to force the tears out of me; trying to force the pain out of me.

Maybe if I cry then people will stop staring.

If only I could cry.

-

I get out of bed and move around my "temporary room." Alice came up with the great idea that being in my own room would be too hard. Mom and Dad didn't want to fight with her, either that or they agreed with her reasoning. Either way, I didn't have the heart to tell her that all I wanted to was to lie in my bed and burry my head in the pillow that still smelled a little bit like Bella.

I pick up my journal and read through the notes that are written on the lined paper. In a few hours I will have to step onto the beach and read those very words to a crowd of people.

I am utterly terrified.

The most ridiculous part is that I am not afraid of what people will think of these words, of how I look, or my lack of tears. I am afraid of that stretch of sand between our house and the water, the very beach I was raised to love.

I look out the window and sigh. The weather is warm and it is a perfect day to be on the beach.

Bella would have loved it.

-

The funeral is informal. There is no casket just a simple black urn with a brilliant blue butterfly; wings spread soaring through the blackness. I recognize most of the people in attendance (mostly locals) and take in a few new faces as I scan the crowd. These are people who are familiar with a different Bella than I. I know I should feel sad at the thought, but instead it makes me smile.

Bella was always _my Bella_ no matter where she was.

The sand feels funny beneath my shoed feet and I have a huge urge to kick my shoes off and just burry my feet in it. As the priest talks Alice grips my hand tightly, squeezing. I know what she is doing.

She is being strong for me.

I take my free hand and palm the small shell that I have placed in my pocket; a token of my love. I run my finger over the delicate edges as the priest speaks and when it is my turn I pull it out and hold it tightly in my palm.

I crinkle the piece of paper in my hands, my eyes scanning the crowd. I meet Alice and she nods.

"_Love is enough: though the world be a-waning,  
And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining,  
Though the skies be too dark for dim eyes to discover  
The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming there under,  
Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder,  
And this day draw a veil over all deeds passed over,  
Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter:  
The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter  
These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover."  
(William Morris)_

"I've known Bella for almost as long as I can remember. I would love to say that I always knew that I was in love with her, that we were destined to be together. But if I said that it would be a lie. I always knew there was something special about her though, something truly beautiful. She had this way about her that made you feel like you were the most important person in the world to her. She was the most important person in the world to me."

I cleared my throat, my eyes moving from Alice towards the water as I continued to speak.

"I love her," my voice broke as I watched the waves crash against the sand, "I loved her."

"On her last night, we sat by the fire, and as I held Bella in my arms we talked. I told her how much it hurt to see her in pain but that being with her was worth it. I begged her to tell me what she was thinking or feeling. She told me she was happy and content and I knew that she was telling me the truth. Some of her happiest memories, our happiest memories, are on this beach, with family and friends."

"She loved the smell of the ocean, the salt permeating the air. She loved the feel of the sand as it squished between her toes. She loved the crackle of the firewood as it burned in the pit. This place became her home and she loved every second she was here; but most of all she loved each and every one of us with her entire being."

"I can't regret this last summer just like I can't regret the summer that we first met. My love for Bella was unstoppable, destined from the moment she looked at me and told me I was "stupid and smelly." I can only hope and pray that wherever she is now that it is someplace like this; someplace like home."

A single tear trickles down my cheek and I reach up and wipe it away.

-

The end of summer is nearing and I'm terrified of leaving. I already feel like I am losing my grasp on Bella, losing the things I loved about her. I picture her face, her smile, the way her hair would frizz on a really humid day. I think about the way she laughed, the way she threw her head back and let the sound burst from her lips. It was truly beautiful and I can't help but smile.

Charlie and Renee are discussing selling their place and I feel a panic overtake me. I imagine what it would be like coming out here and not having the place belong to the Swan's. It feels strange, wrong in a way. I can tell that Mom and Dad are thinking the same thing. Hopefully they will talk some sense into them.

Alice is as dutiful as ever, still watching over me although the hovering as lessened. I wonder if she has any idea how appreciative I am of her. I will have to remember to tell her on the boat ride home. I make my way towards the water, my feet sinking in the damp sand as I walk along the shore.

Home doesn't feel like home to me anymore.

I think about going back to my patients, back to the life I had before I answered Alice's call and stepped on that boat. It doesn't bring me the same excitement it did before. I'm thinking about spending a little bit more time here, time by myself. I know that I have the ability to extend my leave at work and I think it might be a good thing.

I need time to think and to grieve.

I walk the beach until I reach the place where Bella's ashes were spread. I step into the water and continue walking until it reaches my knees. It's pretty cold and it stings my feet but I ignore the pain and look around me. The beach is fairly deserted. Most of the families have left for the winter and the crowds are growing thinner.

I reach my hand in my pocket pulling out the shell that has remained by my side since the moment Bella left me. I think about how many years we spent looking for the silly thing only for it to fall at my feet. It was supposed to bring luck and good fortune. It brought Bella and me closer together so in some way I guess it truly did.

I rub my fingers along the jagged edge and close my eyes.

I think of a small girl with brown hair and brown eyes, a sieve in her hand as she searches through the sand. I think of the smell of the ocean and the feel of the sand beneath my feet. I think of the crackling of a fire as it illuminated her eyes and the smoke lingering in the air, the familiar scent comforting. I think of Bella; of her beauty, her smile, her laugh and know that no matter what I will never forget her. Looking into the water, I thank Bella for loving me.

As the tears fall down my face I bring my hand back and surge it forward, chucking the shell into the ocean. I hope for the next person that finds it, that they will gain as much as I have gained from the small shell this last summer. It floats in the frothy waves for a moment before sinking out of my sight.

---

**This feels like an end to me... so for now I'm going to say that it is the end of this story. I may always come back and add an epilogue at a later date, so be on the look out for that! I would like to thank my super awesome beta B (pixielovestoshop) for reminding me (when I asked her) that I started this story because I wanted a challenge... Hopefully you enjoyed the journey as much as I did. Thank you to all of you who reviewed or PM'd me encouraging my writing and this story. **

**I'm starting to work on a new story and I should have the first chapter up soon. If you'd like to read more from me, make sure to put me on author alert!**

**I appreciate you guys! :)**

**N**


	14. Peace

**Outtake- Peace**

**~APOV~**

**  
_____________________________________**

**This outtake is a present for my beta Bri who puts up with my shit. Not only is she an amazing beta but she has also become a good friend in the process. So B, this is for you. It's got a nice little helping of Beachsper and Jalice to tide you over and a bit more resolution to the story. (I know how much you LOVE you some sper!) **

**N**

* * *

_We only got 86 400 seconds in a day  
to turn it all around or throw it all away  
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say,  
Gotta live like we're dying  
-Live like we're dying- Kris Allen_

_-_

I watch the water tumble down the rocks and thrash against the wall. I can taste the salt of it; feel the bitter texture on my tongue as I watch it splatter below me. It's thrilling, the power of that moment, as the water tumbles and falls around me.

I can smell the sand, the sun, and the water in the air. It engulfs me and overwhelms my senses. For a moment I think of nothing but that smell and the overwhelming calm it brings to my body. I linger near the edge of the cliff enjoying this last moment of peace.

And then I jump.

The impact momentarily stuns me. I can feel my lungs struggling for air, striving to bring oxygen to my body and brain. It only takes a moment for my reflexes to kick in and I am gasping, my head bobbing above the water, legs kicking against the bitter sting of the cold.

The waves crash into me, bringing me closer to the rocks than I am comfortable with. I struggle against them, my legs and arms thrashing through the freezing water as they fight against the waves. It's a slow and heavy battle and I feel like I am continually losing more ground than I am gaining. With each pass of my arms, each swish of my legs, the small land mass in front of me becomes a little bit larger.

By the time I reach the islet my muscles are stinging from the trek. As I squeeze the water out of my hair, I scan the small area surprised at how much it has changed since the last time I had been there. The sand is a muddy brown color and several rocks and shells are lodged into the surface. The contrast to the beach near our house is so great that momentarily I am taken to a different place; one where everything isn't completely fucked up.

It's getting close to winter and most of the locals have packed up and headed back to their lives leaving the normally crowded beach deserted and eerily quiet. It's the perfect time to sit and think; which is something that I am trying desperately to avoid doing. Now that Bella is gone things are different, life is different, and I am different.

There is a single person on the water, his black wetsuit helping define him against the orange sunset behind him. I watch as he paddles out, his surfboard gliding over the water. He takes in the coastline before his eyes reach me and I watch as he paddles in my direction.

"Hey!" I call out, my arm waving over my head, excited at the prospect of a distraction.

He trudges out of the water, throwing his surfboard in the sand before making his way to sit beside me. "Hey yourself," he replies as he plops down beside me.

A quiet settles over us for a moment before he turns and looks at me in confusion. "You're still here?"

I nod my head softly as I contemplate how to respond. How do I explain to him that I couldn't leave because I was worried about Edward? That I refuse to leave until Edward does? It's become this unspoken pact between the two of us that we would stay here and grieve. The problem is I think that his grieving is going to take a lot longer than mine.

"You are worried about Edward," Jasper sighs, his hands running through his wet hair and pushing it back. I watch the movement and watch the molecules of water run down his neck, the sight transfixes me.

"He's not okay, Jazz."

"I wouldn't expect him to be," he replied softly, a frown settling on his face. "How are you holding up?"

I want to feel fine again. I want life to be back to normal, whatever normal is now. I look at him and shrug my shoulders. "I'm fine."

"Don't give me none of that," he twangs and I am momentarily distracted at how thick his accent suddenly sounds. "It's me Al, you can tell me."

"It hurts," I reply instantly as my hand reaches up to cover my heart. "Not only did I lose my best friend but I feel like I am slowly losing my brother as well."

"Have you two talked about it?" he questions, his eyes concerned as they stare into mine.

"I'm afraid to bother him. I don't want to make his pain any worse."

"I'm not going to lie," Jasper whispered, "it's going to be painful. But I can tell you from experience that when you are going through something like this, talking about it helps."

He scoots closer and I can feel the heat of his body, the wetness of the water. Then he wraps his arm around me and pulls me to him. It feels good to be held, to be cared for, and I can't help but cherish the moment.

"What about work?"

The knowledge that I can do my job anywhere helps ease the sting of leaving my shop in someone else's hands longer than it needs to be. I have my sketchbook, I have a fax machine, and a telephone if they need me. For some reason some part of me tells me that I need to be here more. "Work will have to do without me."

He looks down and smiles at me, his eyes lighting up at something that I don't quite understand. I look down at myself, frowning. "What?"

"Nothing, it's just nice to have some company at this time of year."

-

As I swim back to shore I scan the beach. I am surprised to find my brother standing in the surf, water up to his knees. His eyes are focused on something far away and I take advantage of his distraction, my eyes scanning him over. I can't help but think he looks like a little boy; lost and alone.

For the time being, I leave him to his thoughts, and make my way to our home to dry off and change. It's a nice night and I can't help but want to be outside. Grabbing an apple I make my way to the pit and quickly get a fire going. The warmth of the flames feels delightful on my skin and I tilt my head back and look up at the darkening sky.

"I'm trying to take care of him, B." I whisper and can't help but jump when I hear a throat clear beside me.

"Mind if I join you?"

There is a bit of confusion and pain on his face and I think once again about what Jazz said. "Sure, Bro, pop a squat."

Instead of sitting in a different chair he makes his way to the open spot by my feet and sits down, his body slumping in exhaustion. He is entranced by the fire, and I watch as the flames flicker over his features. I think of soothing words that I have heard people use and realize that none of them really help, really matter. Instead I sit up and wrap my arms around him, my face pressed against his back. He lets out a gentle sigh, his body slumping further and before long I can feel his muscles shaking.

It only takes a second for me to realize that he is crying.

-

My mind won't shut down and I find myself having trouble falling asleep. I step out onto my patio and look out over the water before turning and facing the sky. It's childish, I know, but I close my eyes and focus all of my energy on a simple wish.

_I want to see him smile again._

Opening my eyes I am startled to see a lone figure sitting on the beach. At first I am concerned that Edward has gotten up but as my eyes focus in the dark I realize it is another person entirely. I pause for just a moment before grabbing a pair of sandals and creeping down the stairs.

The wind blowing off the water is chilly and as I walk I wrap my arms around myself. He seems to sense my presence because he turns to look at me, surprise clearly evident on his face.

"What are you doing out here?" Jasper asks softly.

"I was going to ask you the same thing," I reply my voice wavering.

"I'm just thinking." His voice is soft, almost a whisper on the breeze that blows the words to me.

"I saw you sitting out here and I couldn't sleep," I reply answering his question the only way I know how.

"We sure are two pees in a pod." His chuckle brings a lightness in my chest and I can't help but sigh as I realize I am smiling. I shiver slightly and before I realize what is happening I am settled between his legs, my back against his chest.

"Better?" he questions. I only nod my head in response. He smells like musk, salt water, and cinnamon and I find myself distracted by it. I know that there is something here, something that has been indefinable for long enough.

"Jasper," the word tumbles from my mouth and I can feel his body still behind me.

"Yes."

It is all I need to hear.

In that moment I know everything that he is saying with that one word. That he feels it too. That he knows that it is going to have to wait. (I could never do that to Edward, not so soon after.) In that moment it is enough to I know that in the future we will have our chance.

-

I wake with the sun and am surprised to find Edward sitting in the kitchen. I know that he is waiting for me and I am not quite sure why. He looks up from the table and seeing me sighs.

"Can we go for a walk?"

He waits on the porch while I throw on some clothes and then I meet him, watching as his eyes scan the water as if he is memorizing everything about this place.

As he steps into the sand, his hand reaches back grasping my fingers tightly between his. I look at our entwined hands and gently squeeze.

"What's the matter?" I question. He shakes his head minutely before tugging on my hand, pulling me down the beach.

I can feel a change in the air and I am confused. I look up at him and am taken back by the peaceful look on his face. We walk for quite a while in silence and then suddenly he stops. He sits on a rock, pulling me down beside him. The waves are crashing on the shore but otherwise the beach is completely silent.

"Did you promise Bella you would look after me?"

I am taken back by the question and surprisingly unsure how to respond.

"Edward," I reply softly, "you're my brother I would look after you no matter what."

He seems to understand that this response is all he is going to get from me and he nods his head. I look out over the water thinking about all the years spent here and I am pulled from my daze as I feel his arms wrap around me.

He hugs me tightly to him and I relish the feeling.

Pulling back he looks at me and I am surprised to see a small smile on his face. Although it is far from the way he used to smile, it is still a smile, and it settles something inside of me. I know that eventually everything will be normal again; whatever this new version of normal is. I can't help but smile in return. For the first time since the funeral I feel truly at peace.

"Love you," I whisper.

"Love you too, Sis.

**

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**I just want to write a quick thanks to all of you for the f'ng awesome amount of support on these last few chapters... I loved reading each and every one of your comments and reviews and hearing how this story made you think and feel. I wanted a challenge and I definitely got one. Thanks for coming on the ride with me :)**

**I'm working on a few new things... Hopefully I will have the first chapter of a new story up within a week. Look for a sneak peek below the break.**

**Muah!**

**N**

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**Whispers**

Placing my shaking hand on the door, I stood for a moment forcing myself to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over.

_'You're so weak.'_

I couldn't argue there. I clicked open the lock looking around my empty bedroom in fear. It seemed like the coast was clear but you could never really be sure. Holding my breath, I listened to the quiet around me. I could hear Charlie's television blaring from the other room and my shoulders slumped in relief. If Charlie was home then I was safe, wasn't I?

I grabbed the clothes off of my bed, throwing on my favorite pair of jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. The weather outside was cold and the familiar clothes brought a comfort and warmth I knew I wouldn't be finding outside. Rubbing the towel through my damp hair, I squeezed the moisture out as my eyes focused on the ledge of my window.

The jagged nails where I had hammered the window shut still jutted out of the frame at awkward angles. I knew that I would eventually have to explain the mess to Charlie, explain why I was afraid for my window to be open. I wasn't really ready to do that yet.

Grabbing my book bag I cautiously made my way to the door, flipping the lock before opening the door and peaking out into the hallway. The coast seemed to be clear so I took a chance and ran for the door.

"Bella," Charlie called as I ran past the living room. Cursing under my breath I stopped and turned around looking at my father as he sat on the couch watching television. It was seven in the morning and he was already nursing his second beer. Maybe everything that happened with mom had more of an effect on him than I realized? "I know it's your first day of school, but everything is going to be fine."

I nodded my head, unsure of what to say. Charlie seemed to take that as acceptance of his little pep-talk because he turned back to whatever he was watching before. I made my way to the front door and looked out the peephole checking the lawn.

It looked empty.


End file.
